Lessons Learned

This past week, I have really been pressing in and doing a little bit of "soul searching" I guess you could call it. I have had several conversations with others about God's grace and His awesomeness and have really learned a lot about who I am and who my God is.

I have learned . . .

-That life is worthless if not being lived for God.
-Life is possible without God, but it is empty and meaningless.
-When you really seek God's will in your life, it will be revealed.
-When God's will is revealed to you and you listen, nothing but good comes out of it.
-The only battle worth fighting for in life is the battle that puts your relationship with God at stake; God handles the rest.
-Friends are a blessing from God and should be treated that way.
-Simply, life is what you make it.
-No prayer has ever fallen short of God's ears.
-That forgiveness isn't for the other person, it is for the satisfaction you'll find in your relationship with God.
-When you start your day in God's Word and go through the day in prayer, God has favor in you.
-If you can't forgive yourself, you are telling God that His forgiveness and grace are insufficient.
-When you have an urge to pray, that is God's spirit prompting you.
-Talk less, listen more.
-God gives and takes away . . . both are unfathomable blessings.
-I will never be able to fully understand God . . . faith is required.
-When God speaks and you ignore Him, you're in trouble.
-Christian friends are a must.

I really cannot remember the last time I have searched for God the way that I am now. I deeply regret trying to go through life without Him, and think that I can get through on my own; God has been waiting. It has been my prayer this week that God would guide me by His Spirit and that I would be able to truly seek Him and listen for His voice. God has never spoken to me so loudly.
The Christian blogging community has been a huge inspiration to me. I have finally been able to see that I can never have the characteristics of those godly women on my own, but only through God's guidance.

Lord, forgive me for being so foolish.

Posted byAshley C. at 3:25 PM Post a comment (1) Love Notes  

A Complex Understatement

Isn't it awesome that God forgives you so quickly? I know that I will never be a "perfect" Christian, if there ever were two, but I have God's Spirit in me, guiding me through what will equip me for all of my endeavors. No matter how long you stray, no matter what you've said, done, or haven't done, God is there with open arms, ready to take you in. Even if it is for the hundredth time. I cannot fathom His grace.

I am so grateful (and even that's an understatement) that my God is a God that is mighty to save, no matter the circumstance.

Posted byAshley C. at 12:35 PM 0 Love Notes  

It Was Never Between Me and Them Anyway

I never really intended on this happening. Honestly. I don't have a reason to run, hide, or push it away, but He just has a way of pulling you into Him.

I was getting ready for work this morning, and after the complete absence of Christian music in my life for a long while now, I decided that was exactly what I needed. I didn't realize how different it makes me feel. It really helps me to focus and think about things in a godly way. When I got to work, I was talking with another woman that is a huge blessing in my life. She and I tend to share a lot of the same feelings, good and bad, about a lot of things. She printed some scripture out for me and asked me to read them because they were helpful to her. When I started reading them, my eyes began to tear up and I began to feel so convicted. I know that it's been a while since I've read my Bible, let alone pray. That would definitely explain why I've felt so rotten, used, and down. Just reading those scriptures and listening to those songs brought me back to the beginning of my journey with God. Something so fresh and new and nothing could get in the way.

I was looking through some blogs today and come across a lot of them written by godly women. Women who know the simple things in life and take advantage of them. Women who go to God for the tiniest things and don't forget Him for the biggest. Women who use God's blessings to enrich their lives and those surrounding them. I want to be like them. I want to start and end my day in God's Word and live by it daily. I want to be able to spot out what God is saying to me and actually listen to Him. I want to love the people I encounter the way I would love my closest friends. I want to find peace in living for Him. I want to love the simple things in life. I truly want to be satisfied with who I am, yet aim to be more Christ-like.
I have side-tracked way too far for far too long. I want to come back to God with the fresh love and excitement I once had.

When I look back and think about why I have become what I am now . . . a woman that has pushed God away because a lack of time for Him. Why? How weak of me? I know that one reason for this is because I am only looking to satisfy myself with all of my time. I try to please others and not think about God's way. I think too much about that others think about me. Every detail of what I am now was because I had other people at a higher priority. I need to remember that this was never between me and them anyway, only me and God.

I hate making these declarations time and time and time again, but I really am making this one for the last time. I cannot do this on my own, I can only live for Him through His Spirit. I am going to continually pray for His strength, love, and forgiveness. I need Him in my life, no doubt about it. I want to live for the One and gave me life, forgave me, and will live inside me for all eternity.

I really don't even feel like there is enough room here to talk about how I feel right now. I feel so overcome with conviction, happiness, and intimidation. I need to gather these feelings and return them as praise to God for calling me back to Him.

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God;
it was never between you and them anyway."
--Mother Teresa

. . . from this point on . . .

Posted byAshley C. at 4:03 PM 0 Love Notes  

Floods, Blisters, and Fights . . . Oh, My!

I had such an awesome weekend for two reasons: I finally got my guitar and started practicing and me and Josh went to a fight! I have never done either of those before Saturday.

On Friday, me and Josh were supposed to head to Highland Park and get our guitars from Guitar Center, but I think rain collected for a million years fell. I got off of work and the tornado sirens were going off, so we decided to let to heavy storm pass by and then go out to get the guitars. We didn't make it very far. We made it probably 10 miles down the road and realized that we might have drowned if we kept driving. I have literally never seen as much water as I did that day. No kidding, every single street we drove down was flooded. Josh explained to me that if water floods the car's exhaust, it harms the engine, you'll have to get it drained, and . . . yeah, something like that. It sounded really bad, that's all I knew. I was so afraid to keep driving because I didn't want to not be able to get through the water and flood the engine. We were so close to home and the unthinkable happened. We had no choice but to drive down a street that had probably 3 feet of water and the tires kept spinning and out of no where, the car shut off. I started panicking and kept asking, "What do we do? What happens now?" but the only thing Josh could do was pray and keep trying to restart the car. We sat there for about 4 minutes just freaking out and thinking about what to do. Finally, the car started and we got out of the water! I was so grateful and happy that it worked out that way!

On Saturday, me and Josh finally made it out to Highland Park. It was like the rain never happened. Every single street was bone-dry but it was sooo humid! I found the perfect guitar, I guess Josh decided to name it Edward and he found a pretty sweet electric guitar to start off with. Her name is Glow. Don't ask "why?" Later in the day, we met up with our friend from school and were able to meet his girlfriend. We went out to dinner and then went to a fight. Our friend's friend was fighting, so it was cool to actually come and watch someone in particular fight. It was one of the most fun things! Besides it being hotter than 100 degrees and humid in the gym, we had a blast! I always told myself that I would never go and watch that kind of fighting, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Sure, there were high levels of testosterone all over, but people actually seemed to know how to control it pretty well. I am glad they dragged us along. I think the next fight is in September and I totally want to go!

The only other thing we did was sit around and practice our guitars together. We decided that we weren't going to invest in lessons just yet. We bought an awesome book that explains things very well and isn't confusing at all. We have been having a blast together with it. I don't think there is a better guitar buddy than Josh! The only thing that sucks about beginning guitar is the blistered fingers. So far, we've only been practicing notes on the first and second strings, first and third frets, using our first and third fingers, so my pointer and ringer finger are in so much pain! I can't imagine how much pain my pinky finger is going to be in when we start the next lesson.

Posted byAshley C. at 9:09 PM 0 Love Notes  

Locking My Head and Keys in the Car

I really meant to blog yesterday but didn't have time. I am going to blog about yesterday now (because yesterday was too eventful for me to ignore) and maybe I'll blog about today later.

So, yesterday I needed to go to Target to get a few things. I had to make a list or else I'd be there forever and spend too much money. The only things on my list were deodorant, toothpaste, my 4th Twilight book, kleenex, and a box of Arm & Hammer for the fridge. Well, as I was getting out of my car, I was texting Josh and wasn't paying attention to what I was doing.
I went into the store, found what I needed with the exception of the Arm & Hammer. I was adding the totals up in my head and realized I had "extra" money to spend, so I was walking around. I found the cutest picnic basket for Josh and me. It is a wicker picnic basket with a red and white plaid cover on the inside. Only $15.

I got in line, paid for my things. Note: I am a professional at spending my limit (I'm talking, to the penny). I threw my little bag into the picnic basket because it was easier to carry. As I was walking out, I was digging through my gigantic purse for my car keys. I shook my purse up and couldn't hear them either. I was thinking, "Oh, crap. Not again." I walked out to my car, doors locked, looked into the passenger window and saw that I left my keys in the ignition. At this time, it was 2:15. I called Josh to see if he'd be home within the next 20 minutes or so since he has a spare key to my car. He just left Chicago. I called my mom, there was no spare key around the house. What the heck was I supposed to do? While standing there, next to my car, with my picnic basket, I was trying to figure out what to do. I asked my mom to come pick me up and when Josh gets home, we'll go back and pick my car up.

My mom works 3
rd shift, so at this point, she was just drinking her coffee and sitting in her pajamas. She had to get dressed and drive the 10 minutes to Target. When she got there, she threw me her car keys and told me, "Try one of those keys. I swear one of them opens your car." They didn't. As soon as she said that, I remembered something. I always keep a spare key to my car inside my wallet. I unzipped my wallet, the key was right there.

So, not only did I look dumb standing with a picnic basket in the parking lot for 25 minutes, but I interrupted my mom's "morning" by having her come pick me up, only for me to realize that I had a spare key on me. This is not the first time I've locked my keys in the ignition. If you're looking to steal a decent car, my car comes with the keys, you just have to look for the car itself.

Random Fact: 40% of all car thefts actually had the keys left in the ignition.

Posted byAshley C. at 3:15 AM 0 Love Notes  

You Are My Best Friend, Too

Oh man, I feel so guilty for not blogging in what, 6 days, was it? I have so much to blog about, but I don't want to intimidate you to the point that you quit reading and I typed for no reason.

There is one thing that I was talking to a friend about that I have been dying to blog about. Co-ed friendships while in a serious relationship.
So, our conversation started because this person was telling me that their best friend, who is a girl, just moved back from Texas. He has a girlfriend, so I asked him if his girlfriend was at all uneased about him hanging out with another girl. He said that as soon as the two get a chance to meet, he was sure that they would both feel a little better about each other. He went on to tell me that he and his best friend have known each other since he was 4. He's only known his girlfriend for about a year.
I made the comment, "I couldn't see Josh having a girl best friend or another girl calling Josh her best friend. He's all mine!" He replied by saying that there seemed to be some jealousy. This was pretty much what sparked the conversation. I made it clear that there was no jealousy at all. Josh has never put me in a situation that has ever caused me to be jealous over someone else.

I just couldn't fathom the idea of Josh making me share the title "best friend" with another girl that doesn't share the intimacy that Josh and I do. Josh and I talk about everything, share every idea, every feeling, and every moment with each other. In my opinion, when you are in a serious relationship, I feel that it is inappropriate to call someone else of the opposite sex your "best friend." The title entails that they are literally your best friend; no one else can compare to the friend that they are, no other person can fulfill the same kind of happiness that you experience when you are with this person. You share your deepest thoughts, emotions, and feelings with your best friend. When you turn to another person of the opposite sex and do the same thing, I just feel that that shows that you aren't fully and completely satisfied with your mate's companionship.

I might be going out on a limb here, but this is where emotional sanctifcation comes in. As I've stated in a previous blog, I shared large portions of my heart with other guys and I can say that is probably one of the biggest mistakes I've made. There are a lot of things in life that aren't renewable. That is definitely one of them.
The act of marriage, one of God's most precious gifts to man, is so unique because the two individuals become one. Everything each other has experienced, done, and shared is now the other half's, too. When you become married, you are giving the other person something that no one else has. You are giving that person something so very complex, yet so simple. When you share personal thoughts or moments with someone of the opposite sex, outside of marriage, you are slowly taking away from your future husband or wife's portion. If you do not guard your heart or your thoughts, what else is your spouse going to have that someone else doesn't?

This might sound like I have strayed pretty far from my whole "best friend" interpretation, but it really does have a lot to do with each other. Think about someone of the opposite sex where you have claimed them to be your best friend. Now, what made them your best friend? I can bet that it was because you shared everything: thoughts, experiences, important moments, etc. Now, think about the relationship you would expect of you and your future spouse. You would expect to share the same things that you shared with your "best friend!" I am not saying that it is wrong to have a best friend. I am not saying that at all. I am just saying that when you are going through friendships, I find that it is very important to keep your heart guarded because your spouse (and future marriage) is depending on you.

After you are married, if it hasn't been placed already, a line needs to be drawn so that the two people are able to still have friends, which is completely logical. We all need friends! In fact, I truly feel that a marriage will suffer if both people don't have other friends. But, a huge sacrifice that needs to be made is the recognition that guarded hearts are very necessary.

I know that me and Josh aren't married, but we have been praying strongly for God's will in our life and everything is seemingly working in our favor. We cannot say that "this is God's hand," but we can keep praying that God will reveal His plan in our life. I suppose that if you want to be very literal, me and Josh are taking the risk of sharing so many intimate moments.

I hope that this has made sense. Just some of my own opinions!

But, if you aren't a believer of marriage, I don't know what to tell you . . .

Posted byAshley C. at 5:25 PM Post a comment (1) Love Notes  

Naughty, Naughty, Goody-Two-Shoes

When I said that I was serious about working out, I was serious. No more being lazy.

I woke up, did some homework, and got bored, so I started looking at stuff online. That always turns into something bad. Nothing good ever comes out of me being bored and sitting online. Actually, I did something really bad. Josh and I both love the Yankees. They are our favorite MLB team. I went on the Yankees website and was looking at tickets for when they will be in Chicago. July 30-August 2. I bought tickets. Josh doesn't know about it yet. I figured that since they were good seats, why wait? They might sell out by the time Josh decides to by them. I mean, we were going to go to a game this summer anyway, right? I'm kind of afraid to tell him.

After spending $130 on 2 Yankees tickets, I decided that I had to make it up to myself and do something that would make it easier to tell Josh. Sprinkle some sugar on top, if you will. I hate running outside. There is something about it that makes my teeth hurt and my lungs feel like they are being pinched. I ran a mile outside. Huge accomplishment for me. I could run forever on a treadmill, but for me to run outside is like pulling teeth (and it feels like it, too!). I texted Josh, "I may have just done something really bad. Can't talk about it, going for a run. BYE!" Whew, got that out of the way.

The run was not bad at all. I think I might make it a routine. I am trying my hardest to lose these last few stubborn pounds. I know that they won't come off easily, so I am going to have to work at it. After my run, I went to McDonalds and bought a large Diet Coke. Yum! So refreshing! So really, that was two good things I did to make up for the bad. I ran a mile and resisted some tasty food. Josh oughta be proud!

So, I have officially decided that I want to take acoustic guitar lessons. I have been wanting to do that for so long and I have settled on the decision. I am doing it. Josh's cousin teaches lessons for pretty cheap, so I am going to have to save up some money for an acoustic guitar and sign myself up! A friend of mine is going to do them with me, so that'll make it interesting. Someone to hold me accountable, eh?

Oh, one more thing. I don't really talk too much about my nephew. In fact, I don't think I have mentioned him at all on my blogs. I should be ashamed of myself! He is the cutest 16 month old baby in the world and I am honored to be his Aunt.
Today, I was playing with him outside and this giant ant came crawling by and I said, "Andrew, look. Look at the ant. Ant." I wanted to teach him what an ant was. So, he started running after it and slamming his palm behind the ant's trail, laughing. Finally, he smushed the ant, looked at his palm, and said, "Uh-oh." It was really the cutest thing because he just learned how to say, "Uh-oh." His voice is so low and innocent and he sounded really concerned about killing the ant. So stinkin' cute. So, I have redeemed myself. If Josh asks, I am wise and know what I'm doing. Thanks for backing me up, you guys!

Posted byAshley C. at 11:19 AM Post a comment (1) Love Notes  

Just Another Day With Josh and Ash

Me and Josh thought that it would be fun yesterday to be rebellious and not go to church, but go on a fishing expedition instead! Saturday night, we pulled an all-nighter at my house just watching movies and fussing with out computers and on Sunday morning, we left my house really early and headed to Wisconsin. Wisconsin because I guess there was free fishing at any lake this weekend, so we wouldn't need to buy our license just yet. Josh had a lake in mind that was about an hour away, so we decided we try to go to that lake first and see if it was worth our time. The lake looked pretty nice and swampy. Swampiness means fish! We walked up to the lake empty-handed to see what it was like before we decided to unload the car. There were 10 million mesquitos within the 50 feet we walked. Me and Josh decided that there was NO WAY we were going to sit around with these nasty bugs. No wonder we were the only car in the parking lot.

After leaving that lake, we decided that we would head to Lake Geneva and see if we could find a spot (or a boat to rent) that would make it possible for us to catch at least 1 fish. No luck. We were having fun driving up and down all the hills and through all the curvy turns . . . until the gas light came on. We had to hurry back to civilization and find a gas station before we were stranded in who knows what kind of area. We found one just in time.

We started to drive back toward home and on the way, we stopped at one more lake. "No Fishing" signs were posted everywhere. How in the world do you post "No Fishing" signs around a HUGE lake?

After a few hours of driving and no fishing, we agreed that we were both really tired, so we went back home and took a quick nap. We finally decided that it would be worthwhile to just go to the store, buy a fishing license, and go to a lake that we were familiar with (our favorite place to fish). We said that we would just do some shore fishing before renting a boat. Josh made me trail behind him in waist-high grass, weeds, burrs, and pricklies only to decide that the water was too shallow. Not to mention, the gravel trail we were on lead right to where he lead us. We walked all the way back to the car, dropped off the chairs we never used, and just got a boat.

Aahh . . . finally, we were able to wet our lines! When we got our license, we bought these little speakers that we could plug into our iPod and just make it more relaxing. We had our lines in the water, country music playing in the background, and each other to laugh and have fun with. I guess the guy in the parking lot that said, "They're really biting today!" was lying because I didn't get a single bite, and neither of us caught a fish.
While on the boat, me and Josh had this brilliant idea about a book we are going to write! We decided that we are going to take some before pictures, do a mad workout, take some after pictures and publish the book! I can't tell you the cool part about this because you might steal our idea (and our millions). But, we are definitely going to be on Oprah's list and have multiple books with the same concept. Heck, one day, you'll be following this awesome workout and seem some great results.

After we left the lake, we went to Wal-Mart and stocked up on as much healthy food as we could without looking crazy (or like we were participating in a new fad). While we were there, the back of my neck was itching and I reached back and felt something. I peel it off and I found a tick! Yes, after telling Josh that we shouldn't trudge through that waist-high, tick infested grass, I was right. It was disgusting and I'm sure I will probably get Lyme Disease now. Thanks, Josh.

We have made it our new goal to eat healthy and work out like crazy to have the best bodies we can for next summer. We are going to have blinging abs and toned arms! You watch! I even made a promise to myself that I will not get my new truck until I have reached my goal of 125 pounds and size 5 jeans. This will really push me because I really want my new car . . .badly!

So, here's to the new and healthy me, our new, money-making book, and the beginning of the end of my life due to Lyme Disease!

Random Fact: There are over 850 tick species, about 100 of which are capable of transmitting diseases. Multiple diseases can be contracted from a single tick bite.

Posted byAshley C. at 9:40 AM Post a comment (1) Love Notes  

"I Do," but does God?

Today, I had the opportunity to witness yet another one of God's greatest gifts to His creation: the union of two souls becoming one. I think that in today's society, a lot of people have lost the meaning of what a marriage signifies and has completely destroyed it and warped it into what they want it to be (or what they think it should be). Marriage is a beautiful thing that God created after seeing that in the Garden of Eden, Adam was lonely and needed a mate, so out of his flesh and bone, God created Eve. The bone could represent that the two are dependent on each other for strength and the flesh is to hold each other in tact with what each one is and/or can offer. Marriage was instituted by God and has three basic concepts: 1) the man leaves his parents, and through public act, promises himself to his wife, 2) the man and woman are joined together by taking responsibility for each other's welfare and by taking responsibility for each other's welfare and by loving the mate above all others, 3) the two are united into one in the intimacy and commitment of sexual union that is reserved for marriage. A good, strong marriage will consist of all three of these components.*

This brings me to think, "What is a 'good wife?'" A couple Sundays ago, my Pastor gave a sermon about the characteristics of a "surpassing woman." I want to share these with you because I believe that these are some things to think about, either as a wife, a mom, or a woman that is considering either of the two.

1. She offers up her family. This is important because a lot of times women are held back by fear and does not let herself or her family reach their fullest potential is worshipping God through their living because she is being held down. A surpassing woman sees the importance in letting go and letting God handle her family.
2. She shakes up her family to moral purity. Especially in today's society, a strong woman needs to be there to raise and place a standard in her home and in her marriage that will lead her family to moral purity. Today, a lot of standards are lost and transformed to fit what seems to be "right." A surpassing woman sees the opportunity to set a standard in her marriage and/or home that shows her family what standard is most appropriate.
3. She speaks up for those that cannot speak. This may not be in the literal sense, but she needs to be the defender of the weak. This could mean that she reads between the lines and sees what needs to be brought to the attention of another that might not be brought up otherwise. Many times a woman is needed as a mediator. A surpassing woman sees the needs of each individual in her family and helps to fulfill these needs.
4. She builds up her marriage and/or family. She shows that she is trustworthy and that no matter what the circumstance is, she is there and willing to listen with an open heart. She sees when something is not going right and tries with everything in her to make them better . . . not worse. A surpassing woman does not break her family down, instead she continues to build the strongest foundation of a relationship.
5. She saves up. A surpassing woman is not caught up in today's materialism, instead she sees the importance in saving up. She in content in what she has and counts everything as a blessing. A surpassing woman counts everything she has as a blessing from God and shows that she is responsible for what He has blessed her with.
6. She dresses up. She understands that not only is she displaying her personality by the way she dresses, but the smile and attitude she wears. She wants her husband to be satisfied with both her external and internal characteristics. A surpassing woman takes the beauty that God has given her and shows people that she can display it in a modest way that not only attracts her husband, but shows a welcoming spirit.
7. She opens up. She is a type of woman that is able to see what others need and is willing to give what she can. A surpassing woman extends her hand to those that need it.
8. She listens up. Naturally, the woman of the home is the most trusted individual in the family. She needs to be willing to let others come to her for anything they need without complaining or whining. She is the one that sets the atmosphere of the home. A surpassing woman makes her home a welcome and happy place that welcomes each individual in her heart and in her arms.
9. She soaks up. She accepts the praises and rewards that are due. She does not resist, but she has a humble spirit that knows how to accept these things. She has humility and dignity. A surpassing woman can willingly accept the praises, rewards, and thoughtfulness of others all while returning the praise to God.
10. She looks up. She stays close to God and remembers that God is the "glue" that will hold her family (and herself) together . . . she cannot do it on her own. A surpassing woman knows and understands that praise and prayer are the only ways she will be able to love her family to the fullest.

After hearing some of those points, I really started to think about what it really means to be a mother, wife, and woman of God. As many of you know, me and Josh have done a lot of talking about marriage and when we think we will be ready. I honestly want to take all of these points into consideration before fully giving myself to my husband. I understand that I will not be able to fully reach any of these characteristics, but that I must strive my hardest to be the perfect wife and mother to my family. I do not think that I reach any of these yet, but when I do, I think that God will show me that I am ready shortly thereafter. I cannot give myself to my husband without first considering his feelings and what I know will be most pleasant to be with.

---------------------------On another note-----------------------------------

The outside reception immediately followed the wedding and need I mention that it was only 44 degrees today?! I wore the cutest sundress and my cowboy boots to the wedding, but after the wedding was over, I had to go home and throw some jeans on, tuck in the second (longer) layer of my dress, throw on a cardigan, and tah-dah! I had a whole new outfit, only much warmer! After 3 long hours, me and Josh left and turned the heat on full blast all the way home. We decided that we are going to pull an all-nighter and head to Wisconsin early in the morning to go fishing. This will be our first time fishing this year and I cannot wait! I think last year I caught a total of more fish than Josh did and that will be my goal again this year!

Tomorrow is my last free day before I start my 3 summer classes . . . aaahhh!!! Beginning Monday, I will be spending more time online thus, I will be blogging more!

Random Fact: An average of 44,230 weddings take place in the U.S. each weekend.

*Taken from the NLT study Bible commentary

Posted byAshley C. at 9:04 PM Post a comment (1) Love Notes  

Today's Coffee

There's something I find very soothing, something very heart-lightening about car rides with Josh. It seems that lately we've been using a lot of gas.
When we want to vent our feelings to each other, car ride. When we are hyper beyond anyone else's comprehension, car ride. When we are bored, car ride. When we need to pour out our hearts to each other, car ride. When anger or tears are ready to leak, car ride. Long ride, short ride, it doesn't matter to me. It's the only time that it's just us. We can talk about whatever we want, sing however loud we want (to whatever song we want), laugh however loud we want, and sometimes yell however loud we want. I really appreciate that time more than any other time. There's just something that I find so comforting about being in the car with him.

If you've been following me, you know that I've been talking about my dad a little bit lately. It's a really long story, but recently he told me that I only contact him when I want something. I really couldn't grasp this because I have never asked him for a single thing. He's never given me a single thing. He went on to tell me that I don't have an idea what's going on in his life (and makes a list of things that aren't going right) and then tells me it's not my business. He seems to only care about his wife and the kids (2/5) that live with him. The issues that he has to deal with. It's been so easy for him to just ignore me because I'm not one of the things he has to deal with. In short, I told him that there's more to life than what exists between his four walls and I no longer want to be a part of it. I had this conversation with him while I was at work, the whole time, able to hold my composure. After work, I asked Josh if we could go for a ride. That's when it hit me. It hurts. I have tried to harden my heart from my dad and keep my distance as much as possible to prevent myself from being hurt. I should be a professional at this by now. I'm too weak to do that. I forgive and forget too easily. I have to remind myself that he won't change. He told me that he isn't going to fly here for my graduation anymore. Whatever. His loss. I've had my mind set on walking myself down the aisle when I get married since I was, like, 5. Not what the average girl dreams of.

Yesterday was so beautiful! I had work, took a nap, then spent 3 hours on my back porch with my nose stuck in my book. I finally finished Twilight and have started New Moon. I won't talk about how mad I am because I don't want to ruin the book for anyone. I am going to endure this book and go on a hunt for Eclipse. One thing is for sure. I'm addicted. I am a Twilight-aholic.

As you know, I have started my medication. I love this stuff! It has been working well. So far, no gold on my face . . . only face, no ugly red spots! This only downside to it is that the topical gel that I have been using burns the heck out of my face! I feel like I have a bad sunburn. That must means that it's working, right? It's a 3-month medication, but something tells me that I won't have to use it for that long. At least, I hope not.

I need to make more time to blog. Whoever invented "blogging" is probably more important than Edison.

Posted byAshley C. at 3:23 AM Post a comment (1) Love Notes