Here I come
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I've noticed things about my blog. Not really good things, but not bad things either. This area is supposed to be a reflection of my life: my feelings, things going on, my faith, struggles, etc. It hasn't been. I've made a habit of blabbering on about what's going on day-to-day, but not what's going on inside. As far as I know, I don't have any new readers, but if I did, they probably wouldn't know the real Ashley. They wouldn't know my deep struggles, the things that keep me awake at night, the things that I can't "shake off." Matter of fact, you probably don't either. I haven't been sharing the real me. I wouldn't necessarily say that I am being fake, because I have been sharing real things with you all, but I haven't been sharing the important things. I think that it because once I write them, they are absolutely true and not just a figment of my imagination or something that I am currently working on but instead a real life problem.
My number one struggle right now is my faith. I am a firm believer in Christ and I would not doubt for a minute that I am truly saved. I believe in my heart that God raised his Son from the grave and I confess with my mouth that Jesus is Lord . . . that's all it takes to be saved. I think that I have taken advantage of the comfortable life of a Christian and have not been living my faith out loud or making sacrifices that I know would make my God proud to call His own. I have not read my Bible in more than 6 months and have not prayed a real prayer in longer than that. I've been such a negative person with a very pessimistic outlook on life and me and I am so sure that me and Josh's relationship is the number one reflection of how my relationship with God (and myself) is at any given moment. God is love. God teaches love. Without God, you cannot truly love. I have noticed how my lack of love with God has had an influence with everyone around me, including myself. I have been in the crabbiest, most unpleasant mood that I cannot change no matter what I try. I have tried filling this void with things that are "scientifically" supposed to work like tanning, shopping, sleeping, etc. But to be honest, nothing can fill the void of the absence of God in one's life. What do I think I'm doing? I tend to think Ah, I'm not that far from God. I can get back to Him if/when I want to. But, that's Satan's lies. He wants me to think I am in good standing with God. He wants me to think that things aren't "that bad." What he doesn't want is for me to grow in my relationship with God. Everything that I'm feeling is what he's feeling because he knows that he's doing a darn good job at it. He's kept his lies up long enough and kept me from my God long enough and I feel like it's time to bring this to an end.
I often think about His Word as a love letter to me. He wrote that love letter for me to read and be inspired, praise Him, turn to Him, love Him. That letter has been sitting there, on my nightstand, for months and months, left unopened. If Josh were to write me a letter, you better believe that I would tear that thing open, full of eagerness to hear what he wants to tell me; hear how much he loves me; hear about our plans for the future. I would never let a letter from Josh sit that for months and months on end. How could I? How could I think that what Josh has to say is more important than what my Creator has to say?
I need to find true love and happiness and I know that I have been looking in the wrong spot . . . but I see something right there, poking around the corner, waiting for me to go pick it up. Here I come.
Posted byAshley C. at 9:00 AM
Labels: God, Josh, love, struggles
This is beautiful and I think its grea that you noticed is satans way of making it so you dont grow in you relationship with God. You are so cute***