I'm just preparing myself
Monday, November 15, 2010
I'm beginning to feel like I'm talking to myself on here. People always tell me that they read my blogs, but no one comments and I haven't had a new follower since day one. I can tell you that one reason for that is that most of the blogs I follow are the ones that I cannot yet relate to: the stay-at-home, crafty, money-saving, photographer, mommy blogs. What interest do they have in a girl like me? I'm kind of in limbo right now. I've tried the whole money-saving thing and as I mentioned before, I really stink at balancing. I'm not yet a mom, I actually have to go to work, and try to become a photographer on the side. I love reading the blogs that I read because I have learned a lot and I can honestly say that had it not been for following the blogs that I follow, I would never had started clipping coupons, became interested in photography, or have a strong opinion for breast-feeding (and cloth diapers and baby-wearing!).
Who am I you might ask? A 22-year old that is engaged and planning a wedding for next July. I am still living at home, but mostly buy my own groceries so I attempt to save as much money as I can in the process. I do not have kids, but want a handful of them ASAP and when I do, I will try with all I have to solely breast-feed. I would like to call myself a professional photographer but the truth is that I haven't even found myself or my voice. Kinda funny that I'm reading the blogs that I am, huh? No, I am not trying to become something that I'm not but I don't think you have an idea how badly I want to be at the stage in my life where I can say I am a stay-at-home mom that only breast feeds, uses cloth diapers, and carries my baby in a sling while I am balancing blogging, photography, and loving my husband with my entire heart. I'm just preparing myself. ;)
Posted byAshley C. at 3:40 PM Post a comment (1) Love Notes
Labels: marriage, me, photography, struggles
Things you shouldn't read
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Things you shouldn't read before going to bed:
Posted byAshley C. at 7:45 AM 0 Love Notes
Labels: photography, struggles
Photography pricing jitters
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I've been debating about mentioning this, but after some thought, I figured that I wanted to and is something that people need to know about photography.
Last week, a woman asked me to photograph her 3 children for fall. I told her of course! I would love to, but please be aware I am charging $50 for the 1-2 hour session which does not include any prints, rather a disc with about 5 photos on there. She replied by telling me never mind because I was too expensive for her and her husband. This was very discouraging, considering the same day, I decided that I was worth more than charging people $35 for a session. Not to mention, I was giving her my rights to 5 photos on a disc.
I am not writing this post because I want to bash the woman, but instead, I want people to see the amount of hard work that goes into a photo shoot. For starters, I will almost always shoot for 2 hours (or a little more if I can). I am not using the most expensive equipment on the market, but it did cost me a pretty penny and I am always investing. Second, after the shoot, I am spending time choosing the best of the best of the photos that I shot . . . then processing them, which takes about 3-4 hours. So, at the end of the day (or week!), I am spending nearly 6 hours on a client that is only paying me $50. Sure, if (and only if!) the client orders prints, I will be making profit through that, but depending on how much they order, I could be making very little. Now, aside from me making very little to nothing, I am also reducing my creativity and uniqueness to something that is not even worth $9/hour and that can easily be replaced by individuals standing behind a tripod at Sears with no passion for what they're doing (needless to say, the lack of personal touch).
People can easily get all hyped on spending "a lot" of money on photos, but are easily willing to pay $70 for a pair of jeans that aren't going to last nearly as long. I know that if someone really wants something, they are going to find a way to pay for it . . . including photographs. I want to be something that is valued; I do not want to reduce my prices because someone says that I'm too expensive . . . one other individual has already told me that (when I was only charging $35) and I have an upcoming session with them. :) My point is that people will pay for something they value. The more they pay, the more they will value that "thing." The less they pay, the less they will value your images or your talent. I am not promising that my prices will stay at $50/session, in fact, I promise they will not. The more experience I gain and the more in-demand I am, my prices will also increase . . . in other words, my value will also be increasing. Oh, and please know that studio photography and lifestyle photography are two totally different things; it's like comparing the colors black and white. So, please don't turn me down and head to Sears for a price list . . . that's an insult to me! ;) At least let me refer you to another lifestyle photog. :)
Posted byAshley C. at 10:16 AM 0 Love Notes
Labels: photography, struggles
Behind fears
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
As I mentioned previously, me pursuing photography has definitely had it's run of uncertainties and I have just flat out been nervous to give it my all and give myself to it. What if I'm not as good as I think I am? What if people think I am the worst photographer in the world? What if I only get clients by asking them, hey, uh can I take some photos of you? But, I heard another photgrapher say to "creat your own game;" if I create my own game, using my own pieces, I will not have to measure up to someone else and will always come up on top. This game is called mine. I have no option but to win. Plus, if I have God's blessing, I will do nothing but grow and be the best that I can . . . at the work of His hand.
Here is my game plan:
-Remember that I am doing this because I have a passion for it (despite of "bad shoots")
-Put myself "out there" and be daring . . .
-. . . but be willing to fail
-Remember my style and not change it for anyone.
-be myself and not be afraid of people not liking my technique. Those that like it, like it and those that don't, don't
-Listen to His voice and follow His lead.
So, here's what I have done. First of all, I've created a page on Facebook for people to "like" and keep in touch and hear updates about how things are going with this passion I am pursuing. Second, I have deleted my LeilaniNicole Photography blog; I want people to get to know the real me . . . not a censor for a blog about photography (after all, that's what my future website will be for). Third, I am just going to dive in; I am not going to hide behind my fears. I am going to chase after this as though I am certain God wants me here and I will give it my all. People don't grow hiding behind fears.
Posted byAshley C. at 5:03 PM Post a comment (1) Love Notes
Labels: God, photography, struggles
I know that
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Often times we forget exactly how big God is. We (more specifically, I) worry about the smallest things and try figuring out ways to put our hands in the issue, stir it up, and see what outcome we will get. We forget to pray and ask God for His help . . . and when we do pray and don't get the answer on our timing, we make an attempt at playing God again (only to find ourselves in the same hole!).
After reading another blog today, I was reminded that God is big. He knows what we need before we even know what we need; He's working on our prayers before they even leave our lips. One thing that I've been learning though, is that we need to show God our need and dependency for Him; sure, he knows, but it takes a whole lot more for us to put our faith into practice.
I am recently engaged. My fiance works in the construction business and because this is the down time, he could be getting laid off any day now. I work but not getting the best pay; I cannot find another job that I am even remotely interested in . . . or even know where God wants me. We are planning a wedding and trying to pay off bills. I want to live in something we can call our own. I want to start a family as soon as possible. The problem with all of this is that my faith is not big enough to bring me through these worries. My God is, though. I know that.
Posted byAshley C. at 9:08 AM 0 Love Notes
Finding my identity
Friday, August 27, 2010
I am almost positive that I'm having an early mid-life (20's?) crisis; not 100% sure, but almost. You know how when you start junior high, you begin trying to find your identity? You are trying to discover if you fit better with this group or that group; whether it would be cool to do this or if you'd be better off doing that. Whether talking that way would be cuter or if you sound more smart talking that way. If your entire life will change for the better dating this guy or just living for the moment and dating that guy (okay, go ahead and admit you've been there!). Well, I'm sure I'm at that point again, but this time with photography.
Do I make a better photog photographing this way or that?
Heck, can I even consider myself a photog? Am I even "good enough?"
Is this really worth putting in years to see what might happen down the road?
Do I even really want to be doing photography later down the road?
Which direction do I see/feel myself heading? Couples only? Wedding? Children? Family?
Which direction would I feel most comfortable and be most successful in?
Is that piece of equipment worth the investment? Will I even use it or am I just on one of those "highs?"
How can I stop comparing my skill to that photog that's been investing years of time?
Hmm. That list is both scary and not-so-scary. I guess the easy answer is just to practice, apply, and learn, but then again, it scares me to have to really think about all of that. I guess if that photog is where they are, they only got there by having to jump the same hurdles as me. So, I guess it's just watch out world I'm ready to tackle (and think about) whatever jumps at me! Ready, set, here I go!
Posted byAshley C. at 12:58 PM 0 Love Notes
Labels: photography, struggles
Here I come
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I've noticed things about my blog. Not really good things, but not bad things either. This area is supposed to be a reflection of my life: my feelings, things going on, my faith, struggles, etc. It hasn't been. I've made a habit of blabbering on about what's going on day-to-day, but not what's going on inside. As far as I know, I don't have any new readers, but if I did, they probably wouldn't know the real Ashley. They wouldn't know my deep struggles, the things that keep me awake at night, the things that I can't "shake off." Matter of fact, you probably don't either. I haven't been sharing the real me. I wouldn't necessarily say that I am being fake, because I have been sharing real things with you all, but I haven't been sharing the important things. I think that it because once I write them, they are absolutely true and not just a figment of my imagination or something that I am currently working on but instead a real life problem.
My number one struggle right now is my faith. I am a firm believer in Christ and I would not doubt for a minute that I am truly saved. I believe in my heart that God raised his Son from the grave and I confess with my mouth that Jesus is Lord . . . that's all it takes to be saved. I think that I have taken advantage of the comfortable life of a Christian and have not been living my faith out loud or making sacrifices that I know would make my God proud to call His own. I have not read my Bible in more than 6 months and have not prayed a real prayer in longer than that. I've been such a negative person with a very pessimistic outlook on life and me and I am so sure that me and Josh's relationship is the number one reflection of how my relationship with God (and myself) is at any given moment. God is love. God teaches love. Without God, you cannot truly love. I have noticed how my lack of love with God has had an influence with everyone around me, including myself. I have been in the crabbiest, most unpleasant mood that I cannot change no matter what I try. I have tried filling this void with things that are "scientifically" supposed to work like tanning, shopping, sleeping, etc. But to be honest, nothing can fill the void of the absence of God in one's life. What do I think I'm doing? I tend to think Ah, I'm not that far from God. I can get back to Him if/when I want to. But, that's Satan's lies. He wants me to think I am in good standing with God. He wants me to think that things aren't "that bad." What he doesn't want is for me to grow in my relationship with God. Everything that I'm feeling is what he's feeling because he knows that he's doing a darn good job at it. He's kept his lies up long enough and kept me from my God long enough and I feel like it's time to bring this to an end.
I often think about His Word as a love letter to me. He wrote that love letter for me to read and be inspired, praise Him, turn to Him, love Him. That letter has been sitting there, on my nightstand, for months and months, left unopened. If Josh were to write me a letter, you better believe that I would tear that thing open, full of eagerness to hear what he wants to tell me; hear how much he loves me; hear about our plans for the future. I would never let a letter from Josh sit that for months and months on end. How could I? How could I think that what Josh has to say is more important than what my Creator has to say?
I need to find true love and happiness and I know that I have been looking in the wrong spot . . . but I see something right there, poking around the corner, waiting for me to go pick it up. Here I come.
Posted byAshley C. at 9:00 AM Post a comment (1) Love Notes
Labels: God, Josh, love, struggles
What was I thinking?
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
I don't know what I was thinking, but I did. I thought it, I acted it out, and now I'm really wishing I didn't. I am standing at the edge of a deep, deep hole, ready to jump in, not even sure what's at the bottom of it. Probably a big ol' pile of dog mess, but hopefully something a lot more pleasant . . .and smells a whole lot better.
. . . I am building my photography portfolio and need your help! You will get a digital copy of your photos and I can hook you up on prints. The first 3 couples, 2 families, and momma and her baby that send me a message will get first dibs! Now, have at it! ;-] . . .
So, there I was. A little over an hour later and I have myself 2 photoshoots a week through August. I suppose it's a very good thing since I need to get the practice in as soon as possible. This will be like a photog boot camp! :-] My goal is to get the shoot done, edit the photos, and get them posted on an online gallery for them to view and purchase. Speaking of which, I am trying my hardest not to say negative things like Ha, if they are even good enough to buy or I'm not even good enough to jump in this hole. But, I know that I will only be as good and I think I am. I need to get all of this negative mentality cleared and think positive, be daring, try some new things, and just be me. Over the next year, I want to see myself grow and develop in ways that I cannot even imagine now. I've got the most encouraging, supportive boyfriend that anyone could ask for and with him alone, I should not have any excuses for not following through on my dreams.
Well, here's to a busy month and lots of growth!
Posted byAshley C. at 9:51 AM 0 Love Notes
Labels: photography, struggles
This may be an easy one.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
It is no surprise why a home burglary would leave someone feeling scared and paranoid. In their own home. Which, in itself is a feeling that nobody should ever feel. Your home should be your safe-haven; your refuge from everything going on outside in the world. But, when a burglary occurs, all of those warm, comfy, home feelings are kind of thrown out the window. I've been pretty afraid to be home by myself because I have this feeling that whoever did this will return because: 1) our house was an easy target for them; 2) they somehow managed to get past all 4 of our dogs and probably aren't even scared of them anymore; 3) they know what kinds of things we have in our home that might be worth monetary value to them.
People keep telling me that I'm being paranoid . . . well, obvisouly they've never had their home broken into and their belongings stolen from a complete stranger. Because of this so-called paranoia (which I am by no means denying. I am paranoid, but have a legitimate reason to be!), I have my own ways of feeling protected . . . now, a thing I have to discover how to do in my own home.
Yesterday, I saw a family down the street talking with the police so I pulled over and asked if their house was broken into, too and they said that their car was. The cop said that they have their suspicions and gave me some details to look out for. But I am convinced I was a born detective, so I decided to drive around today for about an hour and look for suspicious activity. I didn't find anything too weird, but I was following this kid for a while (from a distance) and ended up losing him decided he wasn't weird (haha!). I'll be doing the same tomorrow. ;-] I'm determined to get my photos back! Oh, hey burgular, you may want to be smart and keep a low profile and not be so obvious, stirring up so much activity! That's how you get caught! This may be an easy one. ;-]
Posted byAshley C. at 3:55 PM 0 Love Notes
Labels: random, struggles, summer
While you're away, the thieves will play
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
. . . I came home and she was right, some of my belongings were dumped on my bed and floor while others remained untouched. Me and Josh's laptops, the wii, the PS3, and some controllers were all gone. I couldn't help but kneel on the side of my bed and cry out loud. How could someone do this? Mom was downstairs talking to the insurance company on the phone and Lowell was looking around for more things to add to that awfully long list . . .
I had plans yesterday to babysit a couple towns over and mom and Lowell had off of work because mom had to get dental surgery. I was reminding mom to watch out for the UPS guy to drop off my cell phone (different story, different day!) and waited around as long as I could for him. I was eager to babysit because I could practice my so-called photography skills on the kids; I grabbed my camera bag and headed out the door before I was late. I got to the house where I was babysitting at about 12:45. Mom called that house at about 2:45, on the other end mom was speaking frantically,
"Ashley? Oh, my gosh, when are you going to be home?! Someone broke into our house while we were gone!"
Wait, are you serious?! How the heck did they get in past the dogs?
"They sliced through the kitchen window. There's things dumped all over your room. I need to know what's missing."
Can you go in my room and tell me if some things are there? Is my laptop, wii, or Josh's bags missing?
"None, of that is here. How many bags did Josh have? Please tell me you have your camera with you!"
Oh, my freaking goodness! My laptop is gone? Josh had 3 bags there, how many did they take?!
"There's only one here."
Okay, let me call and see when they'll be home.
I could not contain myself; I just started bawling. My laptop is gone? Every picture of me and Josh from day one is on there. Every picture I have ever taken of Andrew is on there. All the pictures from the family reunion and last weekend are on there. All of my music, schoolwork, resume, is on there. What about Josh's computer? Any picture that I've ever taken is copied on his computer. All of his important documents and computer-programming work are on there. Fortunately, the kids' parents would be home in 30 minutes. Let me tell you, that was probably one of the longest 30 minutes of my life. I could not wait to get home, survey my belongings and be able to talk to Josh.
I came home and she was right, some of my belongings were dumped on my bed and floor while others remained untouched. Me and Josh's laptops, the wii, the PS3, and some controllers were all gone. I couldn't help but kneel on the side of my bed and cry out loud. How could someone do this? Mom was downstairs talking to the insurance company on the phone and Lowell was looking around for more things to add to that awfully long list. Mom was saddened by her jewelry being gone since it was left for her when her mom passed away. Her credit cards and money, laptop, camera, wedding ring, and some other valuable things were gone. Things that could not be recovered. I just could not believe that all of my pictures had been stolen from me. After I gathered myself, it was my turn to make several phone calls. I had to call and suspend my cell phone line, call Dell and gather information and report 3 stolen laptops, call my cell phone insurance company and report a stolen replacement cell phone, and call UPS to see if my package was delivered. I was able to take care of all of that; my phone got suspended, the stolen phone fee was waived, I got the tag numbers for all laptops, and my package would be delivered tomorrow.
As I was cleaning up my room, my mom yelled to me and my step dad, "Guys! Come look what's in my garbage!" We both ran downstairs and in the garbage was one of Josh's laptop bags stuffed with the cheapest of all of the jewelry. We called the cops and they came to the house, took the bag and did fingerprints again. After that, I was finally able to get a hold of Josh and felt so comfortable just letting all of my fear, doubts, and anger out. The moment he said, "Baby, what's done is done. We still have each other and our families. Any picture that was worth showing off is on Facebook anyway. Plus, I planned on getting you a new Mac anyway." Just hearing him speak so calmly with no ounce of worry in his voice dried my tears up quicker than anything else could have. He was right. What's done is done, crying is not going to get me anywhere. I still had my Lover, my Jive, my best friend and any amount of my missing belongings could not come close to what he meant to me; that's all that mattered in that moment.
Today is a new day, but the fears of yesterday still reside in our home. Although Josh stayed with me last night, I could not fall asleep because I just kept replaying the incident in my mind. I wonder what he looked like. I wonder if the dogs went crazy. I wonder how long he was in our house. I wonder what else he took that I/we didn't notice. I wonder who's room he went in first. I wonder if we've seen him in passing before. I wonder what else he saw that he wanted. But most of all, I wonder when he'll decide to come back. Our central air is getting fixed today (after 3 weeks of heck!), so once all of the windows are shut and locked, hopefully he will not try getting in. It's very, very sad when you've got to walk around your own home with caution, wondering if someone is walking around it with you; when you have to think twice about leaving something out or hiding it before leaving; when you have to decide what lock to install on your bedroom door, not in fear of someone in the house getting in, but in fear of someone who doesn't even belong in the house getting in. I feel so violated knowing that someone came into our home, went through our belongings, things we've all worked so hard to buy, and decided what they wanted to claim as their own. It's a sick thing knowing that someone was in my room, going through my belongings, and taking things that have no intrinsic value to them. Their hands touched my door knob, my bed, and their fingers filed through my dresser drawers and they decided what they wanted of mine. Now, my job is to research home security options, call around to the local pawn shops, and I guess it wouldn't hurt to research a new Mac. ;-]
I guess it's lessons like these that make us remember what matters most to us. :-] I'll keep you posted on any further information or findings we come across.
Posted byAshley C. at 9:44 AM Post a comment (1) Love Notes
Labels: family, finances, lesson learned, me, struggles, summer
Scary thoughts to entertain
Friday, June 18, 2010
Lately, it's seeming as though death has been all around me. Well, I shouldn't say all around, but death has been "the trend", maybe I should say that instead. I've shared this with you all before, about my struggle with thoughts of death, or losing Josh somehow. It's something that I even struggle with talking about because I get pretty emotional, however I know that it is part of life, it happens, and it is something that needs to be confronted and dealt with. I literally cannot think of anything worse than having to live even a day knowing that I will not be seeing Josh again (well, at least in this lifetime, anyway); the weird thing about it though is that even though it is something that I struggle with sooo much, it's not big enough (nor could it ever be) for me to say I hope I'm the first to go, not Josh because I would never want him to have to deal with my biggest fear, but on his end; get what I'm saying? Josh and I always say that we will never have to live without each other because Jesus will come before then; although this thought is so comforting and eases pain of the bad thoughts, I know that it's not entirely healthy. I pray that Jesus comes back during my lifetime; I pray that I will witness His return, but that may not be the case. I know that I need to have a strong enough relationship with my Lord in order to help me endure through the times that I just may have to face. I need to find rest in knowing that no matter what circumstance in placed in front of me, that my God will carry me through.
The thought of death is a scary, scary thing to entertain, but there is something that needs to be recognized: God is the creator, our reason for living. I love Josh with all of my heart . . . every single ounce of it; that's a bad thing. God needs to have more than that and I cannot say that He does. I need to teach myself that God is my reason for living, not Josh. God is the reason that I am here, not Josh. Life is amazing, perfect, and I couldn't ask for more as long as Josh is in it, and I need to get my priorities in order. Plus, the more I am loving God, the more He will teach me to love Josh; they go hand-in-hand! Cool, huh? :-] The hard part is shifting my attention, care, love, and time from earthly matter to Someone that really matters in the end. :-]
On another note, I noticed that I have a new follower! Welcome, Amanda! I hope that you enjoy reading my random thoughts. :-] Oh, and my photography blog officially up and running, you all need to go check it out and leave me some feedback! :-]
Posted byAshley C. at 1:03 PM 0 Love Notes
Jealousy and confidence
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
It seems like ever since I got my camera, it has been consuming my life. I keep having photography dreams, I am constantly thinking Ooo that might work! or I wonder if I did 'X' wrong. It's actually pretty annoying. My mind has been taken over! Haha, I suppose it's okay since I was begging for my camera for quite a while, but whoa! I've been reading up on photography blogs getting tips and tricks (all of which seem like an entirely different language to me!) and hoping that I'll be able to apply it to my photography soon enough. I'm also trying to get myself familiar with Photoshop, too (which I also begged for, got for Christmas, and has been left untouched since!); the program is sooo intimidating that it scares me off. I've come across some very informational blogs and hope to continue referring to them in the future . . . that's if I can actually get some understanding from my camera's User's Manual!
There is a bright side to all of this, though. I admitted to Josh that when I look at other's photos, I have a bit of jealousy and really, really hope that one day I'll be just as good, but when I look back at my recent photos, I am actually very content with the quality (with it being my first time and all). One thing that I am really hoping and wishing for is that I'll have just enough knowledge to take my friend Errika's maternity pictures (if she's up for it) before the little thing shows it's face! I've seen some really cute ideas and think that I'll be able to pull it off. :-] I've got 4 months (I think) to practice . . . with the rate I'm going now, I'm actually feeling rather confident. Wish me luck!
P.S.: My cousin is really good with photography and when he took a look at my photos, he told me, "I like your album. Some really good stuff! . . . You've definitely got a great eye for framing and composition, so you're off to a good start." :-]
Posted byAshley C. at 5:35 PM 0 Love Notes
Labels: photography, struggles
I heard back . . .
Thursday, May 6, 2010
I heard back from the company that I applied to . . .
On Monday, they called back and apologized, but the position that I applied for was filled by another candidate, but they still want me to work with their company and want me to get my foot in the door while gaining some more experience (because I was lacking in that department). He told me that the position they had for me would be working with the clients at their homes and that there were 2 positions open: a 32-hour and a 40-hour, both with the same pay. I told him that I preferred the 40-hour because it was full-time. He said that he would let me know, but he couldn't promise anything because there is another person they are considering as well. So, he asked me to visit one of the homes with him and get a feel and look around. At this point, I didn't want to mention anything to anyone because I was unsure about it. I knew for a fact that I was not going to take the 32-hour position because the hours were Thursday-Sunday 2:30-10:20 p.m.; I didn't feel willing to give up my whole life for a part-time job that was not what I applied for in the first place. So I kept this hush-hush until I knew, knew.
Fast forward to Wednesday afternoon . . . I met him at the home. It was a duplex located just a town over and there was 8 residents total: 4 guys (on the "guy side") and 4 women (on the "girl side"). The clients seemed so happy, sweet, interested, and excited that there was a new person in their home. They were people that I could see myself getting used to. :-] I could see myself cooking their dinner, packing their lunches, decorating their home for holidays, planning birthdays, get-togethers, planning game nights. Then, when I began hearing about the day-to-day routine in the home, the mood changed completely. I would have to help them bathe, use the bathroom, clean up feces, urine, throw-up (if necessary), worry about the guys walking around without pants on (which does happen frequently), drive them around so they can take care of their errands, etc. All of which I felt completely uncomfortable with and in my opinion, this was not Social Work and I would not be able to complete my Social Work training under this position, so . . .
. . . I turned them down.
Krissy sure was happy to hear that I would be staying at Omni longer. Now, I am kind of in "job-searching limbo." I don't know what I want to do. I know that I need to complete the training for Social Work within 1 year or else all of the last 16 weeks was a waste of time, money, and gas. I want to start a career, working 9-5, getting paid salary rather than hourly. But, I want to know that I have worth even if I don't have those things. I went to school to begin a career and as of right now, I'm unsure of what that ideal career is.
You know, I could see myself being an Academic Advisor (at either the high school or college level) . . .
Posted byAshley C. at 8:45 AM Post a comment (1) Love Notes
I just want a family!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
You've heard me talk about my desire to become a mom. Soon. But, only one problem: I am not married, nor am I really ready for that kind of sacrifice. I have thought about things I want to do (babywearing, breast feeding, ECing, homeschooling, etc.), ways that I want to raise my kids, and the way I want to instill certain values and morals in their lives. I also must admit that I am slightly envious of those around me that are pregnant or having their babies. We've been hanging out with our friend, Errika A LOT and just hearing her talk about her pregnancy pains, discomforts, and planning for "Baby A" is getting me so happy and excited for her, but wishing I was in her position. I just want to be able to get my life started and start working towards something that I feel I was meant for. Josh and I are so ready to be married, but we're just waiting on some things like employment, paying off debt, and other things (as I've mentioned before). We've also drawn some lines and told each other when it will most likely be appropriate to start a family. Hopefully, things move along quicker because I just want a family! :-]
Now, with all of that being said, I have some major fears that literally cause nightmares at least once a week. I have dreams about stretch marks, saggy boobs, and massive weight gain. I know, those things are kind of inevitable, but I'm not ready for that. I'm dealing with some insecurities now; yes, I know, I will never be perfect and insecurities are never-ending. My point is that if I'm not completely secure now, how can I learn to love myself after taking on those things that I fear the most?
Posted byAshley C. at 8:22 AM Post a comment (1) Love Notes
. . . these are my struggles . . .
Monday, March 29, 2010
When you're away from your blog for quite some time, bad things happen. And by "bad things," I mean that you miss many opportunities to write about important things. I have so busy the past week and I haven't even been able to visit any other blogs; it definitely saddens me. What have I wanted to blog about? Well, let's see . . . the gorilla (yes, gorilla, not monkey) on my back that keeps reminding me of my past, my bitterness, and my stubbornness, or about the awkwardness Josh and I experience since we are an interracial couple or how weird it feels for us to walk into pricey stores, or about the biggest struggle I face almost everyday, or about the awesome deals I have been getting and how much better I am at couponing. Those are just a few to name.
As you can see, I have not written one of those. Maybe it's me just rebelling against myself and refusing to blog about those kinds of things because I would rather not face those giants at the moment. OR, maybe it's me just being busy. Yeah, I'll go with the second one. :-]
I will not be ignoring my blogging nudges anymore! This area is for me to express myself and to possibly be an encouragement to others or even tick others off. But, these are my struggles and this is my blog. :-]
Posted byAshley C. at 11:19 AM Post a comment (1) Love Notes
Officially the last draw
Thursday, March 11, 2010
My dad and I have never been close. We have never had one of those special father-daughter relationships. Lately, it seems like people have been asking about how me and my dad are doing or if we have talked. Maybe I just feel like people have been asking because I don't feel like doing any talking about it . . . or perhaps any explaining. Oddly, at the same time, I have become frustrated by holding all of my feelings in. I'm tired of "hiding" what I really feel and not be able to describe it.
So, how are me and my dad? Not good, and we never have been. He has never done anything to show that he is my dad. He has never called me on any special occasions, holidays, birthdays, etc. He has never mailed me a birthday card, holiday card, or any other sentiment. He doesn't call me and when I finally give in and call him, he has this imaginary wall up and confronts me for not calling him. The audacity! After I graduated, I sent him an announcement (after he skillfully backed out of coming) along with a picture and to this day, 3 months later, I have still not gotten a simple, "Congratulations, Ash!" That was officially the last draw for me. But, like my mom says, after 22 years, I should have learned to expect nothing from him. I think that I've finally let my mom's advice sink in. A couple weeks ago, I lost all of my phone numbers on my BlackBerry . . . including dad's. I think that is kind of a blessing in disguise. I am not able to contact him even if I wanted. Now, I have a legitimate reason for not calling him and he does not.
Now that I am getting older and more independent, I have begun to show less interest in the relationship that could have been. He has not been there for me for 22 years and he still couldn't care less about it. Maybe it's my turn to act careless. I am done calling him and chasing after something that will never be. I am convinced that this is his loss, not mine. Whew. Now I feel better that that's off of my chest. :-]
Posted byAshley C. at 5:25 PM 0 Love Notes
I will wear an X-large?!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I've got a complaint that I've been holding in for quite some time (no, not my neighbor's porch light lighting my bedroom up at night). I found a really nice pair of workout pants about a month ago. Now, you know how hard it is to find a really good, comfy, fit-ya-just-right pair of workout pants. I found them and I love them but every time I pull my pants down to use the bathroom I have a mean tag staring back at me. "USA: M, ASIA: XL . . ." Now, I feel really good about wearing a medium . . . in the US. So, this tag is telling me that if I go shopping in Asia, I will wear an X-large?! Eek! Talk about a confidence booster!
Now, yesterday I weighed myself and it was a number that I've never seen on the scale before . . . in the other direction. So, change of plans. I am not doing P90X anymore. It's boring and time-consuming and by no means flexible. I decided that I need to really take action and change my eating habits. My goal is simple: only consume 1,500 calories a day and burn 1,000 calories a week (only cardio, not including strength training). That's it. And not to mention, it's been almost 2 months of no fast food!!! How's that for a big accomplishment?! :-] I'm going back to the basics. Before all of the fads, diets, tricky workout regimes existed.
Oh, and a friend of mine just started her own blog. She's a soon-to-be mommy and has a juicy, interesting life. Meet Courtney!
Posted byAshley C. at 11:41 AM Post a comment (1) Love Notes
All in this tin
Friday, February 19, 2010
Posted byAshley C. at 6:46 PM 2 Love Notes
Labels: struggles
I'll miss ya, little buddy
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Posted byAshley C. at 11:25 PM 0 Love Notes
Piece o' Cake!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
No, not that ugly cake that I made Josh for his birthday, but the ride to Milwaukee. Remember me telling you all that I wrote my will, said my final good-bye's, and ate my favorite "last" meal? No? Okay, because I didn't BUT I was sick to my stomach not wanting to take that drive for the first time by myself.
As I was approaching the highway before having to merge onto the Intersate, I was praying to God, my teeth were chattering, my palms were sweating, my face was twitching, and my eyes were watering. I got my spedometer up to 70MPH and got my nervous butt onto that 3-lane interstate . . . . and it all disappeared. Disappeared like I was simply conjuring up the physical things that were happening to me but I wasn't; the steering wheel was steamy and my heart was finding its perfect beating pace all over again. Before I knew it, I fit right in with the traffic, in the fast lane, driving as if I did this kind of thing every day. 55 highway miles later, I got to school safely and perfectly fine.
As I sat in class, all I could think about was the ride home in the dark. Well, same thing. All went perfectly fine! I found myself passing people up, being the more talented driver above the other people around me. It felt so good! I felt a sense of empowerment, knowing that I just tackled one of my biggest fears all my myself (and God's protection).
I have officially driven to and from Milwaukee twice and I do admit that when I think about having to take that long ride by myself, my heart skips a beat and I get that tingly, weak feeling in my bladder (but without the wet, warm feeling!), but the difference now is that I know that I am in control. :-] Milwaukee, bring it on, baby!
Posted byAshley C. at 9:36 AM 0 Love Notes
Labels: lesson learned, school, struggles
