Pile pickin'
Thursday, December 23, 2010

Because this was my sister's time of custody with her son, we decided to open Christmas gifts this morning so that he would have time to play with his toys before going back to his dad's tomorrow.  This year was more fun with him than last; he's 2 months shy of 3-years old, so he's all about opening his Christmas gifts (because he already opened a couple and knew what they were so we had to tape them back up!).  It's always fun to hear and feel a kid's joy during Christmas time. 

My sister and I . . . well, we enjoyed it, too.  Every year, it's fun to see what kind of odd things my mom gets us.  This morning for example, as soon as my mom left the room, my sister's pile grew larger because I regifted.  Yes, regifted while opening gifts.  :)  She inherited a colorful array of bobby pins and a rather hideous (sorry, mom!) pair of red and black fluffy sock/slippers.  I also fought her for her awesome pink keychain for my similar blue one until mom stepped in to tell us that they were are birthstones.  Oops!  When my nephew was preoccupied opening his Chuggington train set, tinkertoy, and VeggieTales DVD, I was picking from his pile.  Hey, don't judge me!  The reese's bites and bubble gum were so good! ;)  Next year, I will be married, beginning my own Christmas traditions, so it will be interesting to see how next Christmas will be different.  Really, I can't wait to wake up next to my Husband on Christmas morning laughing because we were too excited and opened our gifts Christmas eve and have nothing to open that morning.  :) 

Well, here's to you and your family's CHRISTmas peculiarity. ;)  Enjoy it!

Posted byAshley C. at 5:08 PM 2 Love Notes  

Labels: Andrew, Christmas, family

2010 Christmas List
Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Posted byAshley C. at 3:12 PM Post a comment (1) Love Notes  

Labels: Christmas, family, Josh

Andre's homegoing
Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Yesterday, Josh's family lost an amazing, godly, gentle-spirited, young man.  Andre was one of the most kind guys that I have ever met.  Although I was not close to Andre, we were friends (would have been cousins, too!).  I can recall some good memories that we've shared and it seems that many of the friends he had can do the same.  I can promise that not a single person could ever say a bad thing about Andre and the life that he lived. 
As I've mentioned before (like, a hundred two hundred times before!), I do not handle death well.  It's one of those ginormous struggles of mine but also where I can find peace knowing that it is a strength that Josh has.  I knew the day would come where I would have to hike up my britches and comfort Josh for a loss in his family and I was sooo scared about it.  But, like always, Josh surprised me.  The way he thinks of it is that Andre is in a much better place, without pain or sickness.  Josh said that every single memory he has of Andre was a good one so that's where he finds his comfort.  Me, on the other hand, thinks in an earthly manner; But, Thanksgiving is next week, his brother's (and best friend) birthday is next month just like Christmas.  What is the church going to be like without his praise and worship?  He never had the chance to share an intimate love with a spouse, he was so young.  But here's the key: Andre does not care!  He is worshipping face-to-face with his Creator!  How amazing is that?!  I think where I get caught up on my sad thoughts is for the individual; for the things that they've missed out on.  But, Andre was here for God's purpose and it is clear that he served his purpose and then some!  His time here on earth was temporary and he made the most of it.  All of his family and friends will be reunited with him before Andre's day is over in Heaven. 

Yesterday, I asked Josh to share with me one of his best memories with Andre and this is the story he told:

When they were younger, Micah (Josh's brother) and Josh were in boxing and Chuck (Andre's brother) and Andre always teased them that they didn't know how to fight and that they were better than them.  Chuck dared Josh to punch him and Andre in the stomach the hardest that he could to see if it would hurt.  Josh told them "no way," but in the end, Chuck was able to talk Josh into punching them under one condition: they had to take turns in the room so that the other wouldn't see how hard Josh could actually punch and cause the other to "wuss" out.  First, it was Chuck's turn.  WHAM! Chuck fell to the ground holding his stomach, grunting.  Micah scraped Chuck off the floor and made him leave the room.  Second, Micah brought Andre in the room and WHAM!.  "That's all you got?" Andre said, standing confidently with a straight face.  Josh said that when he punched Andre in the stomach, all he felt was his hard abs and it was no wonder Josh couldn't hurt Andre!  Andre said, "Your fist hurt my skin, though. I know for sure I'll be sore tomorrow" and kept repeating himself.  I'm going to go out on a limb that Andre would still like to tease Josh about how he punches like a sissy. ;)

Posted byAshley C. at 5:53 PM 0 Love Notes  

Labels: family, Josh, memories

3 years
Wednesday, October 27, 2010

It seems that I cannot get enough of my friend's baby, April.  That little girl is so stinkin' cute, I don't know what to do with myself.  She will definitely be a heart-breaker. ;)  She is so perfect: no crying, no fussing, just alert and watching the world around her.  But she does have her cute little quirks, too; when her diaper is being changed, she always get the hiccups (and they last a while!) and she sneezes A LOT every morning just because.  But, I'm sure mommy and daddy wouldn't change a thing about her. :)

I keep asking Josh how long he thinks we will wait to start a family after being married. "Most likely 3 years."  What?  Maybe 3 months!  I cannot wait to have a family with him.  We have to have all 4 of our children (God willing) before I get too old and if he plans on waiting 3 years, I will be 26 at that time.  Eek.  I used to say that I wanted all 4 before turning 30 but now that time is passing, I see that is virtually impossible (unless we hit the double-twin jackpot!).  I just need my own baby or else Errika will get tired of me visiting her and April all the time. ;)  Errika keeps telling me that she's got her fingers crossed that we will have a baby like, tomorrow . . . sorry, sister, that ain't happenin'!

Posted byAshley C. at 3:49 PM Post a comment (1) Love Notes  

Labels: family, friends

Aaron and Brittany // Family
Monday, August 23, 2010

I asked these two if I could photograph their beautiful family and without hesitation, they were down! It was a blast sharing this growing experience with them because they were easy to please (and not to mention, one of the best-looking families I've seen!). During their shoot, I told them that either I'm doing pretty good and this whole photography gig or they are making my job way too easy! I think having confidence is key, so I'll go ahead and say that it's a little bit of both. ;-] Enjoy some of the photos!

Posted byAshley C. at 12:40 PM 0 Love Notes  

Labels: family, photography

While you're away, the thieves will play
Tuesday, July 20, 2010

 . . . I came home and she was right, some of my belongings were dumped on my bed and floor while others remained untouched.  Me and Josh's laptops, the wii, the PS3, and some controllers were all gone.  I couldn't help but kneel on the side of my bed and cry out loud.  How could someone do this?  Mom was downstairs talking to the insurance company on the phone and Lowell was looking around for more things to add to that awfully long list . . . 

I had plans yesterday to babysit a couple towns over and mom and Lowell had off of work because mom had to get dental surgery.  I was reminding mom to watch out for the UPS guy to drop off my cell phone (different story, different day!) and waited around as long as I could for him.  I was eager to babysit because I could practice my so-called photography skills on the kids; I grabbed my camera bag and headed out the door before I was late.  I got to the house where I was babysitting at about 12:45.  Mom called that house at about 2:45, on the other end mom was speaking frantically,
 "Ashley?  Oh, my gosh, when are you going to be home?!  Someone broke into our house while we were gone!"   
Wait, are you serious?!  How the heck did they get in past the dogs?
"They sliced through the kitchen window.  There's things dumped all over your room.  I need to know what's missing."
Can you go in my room and tell me if some things are there?  Is my laptop, wii, or Josh's bags missing?
"None, of that is here.  How many bags did Josh have?  Please tell me you have your camera with you!"
Oh, my freaking goodness!  My laptop is gone?  Josh had 3 bags there, how many did they take?! 
"There's only one here."
Okay, let me call and see when they'll be home.

I could not contain myself; I just started bawling.  My laptop is gone?  Every picture of me and Josh from day one is on there.  Every picture I have ever taken of Andrew is on there.  All the pictures from the family reunion and last weekend are on there.  All of my music, schoolwork, resume, is on there.  What about Josh's computer?  Any picture that I've ever taken is copied on his computer.  All of his important documents and computer-programming work are on there.  Fortunately, the kids' parents would be home in 30 minutes.  Let me tell you, that was probably one of the longest 30 minutes of my life.  I could not wait to get home, survey my belongings and be able to talk to Josh.
I came home and she was right, some of my belongings were dumped on my bed and floor while others remained untouched.  Me and Josh's laptops, the wii, the PS3, and some controllers were all gone.  I couldn't help but kneel on the side of my bed and cry out loud.  How could someone do this?  Mom was downstairs talking to the insurance company on the phone and Lowell was looking around for more things to add to that awfully long list.  Mom was saddened by her jewelry being gone since it was left for her when her mom passed away.  Her credit cards and money, laptop, camera, wedding ring, and some other valuable things were gone.  Things that could not be recovered.  I just could not believe that all of my pictures had been stolen from me.  After I gathered myself, it was my turn to make several phone calls.  I had to call and suspend my cell phone line, call Dell and gather information and report 3 stolen laptops, call my cell phone insurance company and report a stolen replacement cell phone, and call UPS to see if my package was delivered.  I was able to take care of all of  that; my phone got suspended, the stolen phone fee was waived, I got the tag numbers for all laptops, and my package would be delivered tomorrow.
As I was cleaning up my room, my mom yelled to me and my step dad, "Guys!  Come look what's in my garbage!"  We both ran downstairs and in the garbage was one of Josh's laptop bags stuffed with the cheapest of all of the jewelry.  We called the cops and they came to the house, took the bag and did fingerprints again.  After that, I was finally able to get a hold of Josh and felt so comfortable just letting all of my fear, doubts, and anger out.  The moment he said, "Baby, what's done is done.  We still have each other and our families.  Any picture that was worth showing off is on Facebook anyway.  Plus, I planned on getting you a new Mac anyway."  Just hearing him speak so calmly with no ounce of worry in his voice dried my tears up quicker than anything else could have.  He was right.  What's done is done, crying is not going to get me anywhere.  I still had my Lover, my Jive, my best friend and any amount of my missing belongings could not come close to what he meant to me; that's all that mattered in that moment.

Today is a new day, but the fears of yesterday still reside in our home.  Although Josh stayed with me last night, I could not fall asleep because I just kept replaying the incident in my mind. I wonder what he looked like.  I wonder if the dogs went crazy.  I wonder how long he was in our house.  I wonder what else he took that I/we didn't notice.  I wonder who's room he went in first.  I wonder if we've seen him in passing before.  I wonder what else he saw that he wanted.  But most of all, I wonder when he'll decide to come back.  Our central air is getting fixed today (after 3 weeks of heck!), so once all of the windows are shut and locked, hopefully he will not try getting in.  It's very, very sad when you've got to walk around your own home with caution, wondering if someone is walking around it with you; when you have to think twice about leaving something out or hiding it before leaving; when you have to decide what lock to install on your bedroom door, not in fear of someone in the house getting in, but in fear of someone who doesn't even belong in the house getting in.  I feel so violated knowing that someone came into our home, went through our belongings, things we've all worked so hard to buy, and decided what they wanted to claim as their own.  It's a sick thing knowing that someone was in my room, going through my belongings, and taking things that have no intrinsic value to them.  Their hands touched my door knob, my bed, and their fingers filed through my dresser drawers and they decided what they wanted of mine.  Now, my job is to research home security options, call around to the local pawn shops, and I guess it wouldn't hurt to research a new Mac. ;-] 
I guess it's lessons like these that make us remember what matters most to us.  :-]     I'll keep you posted on any further information or findings we come across. 

Posted byAshley C. at 9:44 AM Post a comment (1) Love Notes  

Labels: family, finances, lesson learned, me, struggles, summer

Tears and Tension
Saturday, July 10, 2010

I was really looking forward to today because of my cousin's wedding; I knew that I would be seeing some family members on my dad's side that I haven't seen in forever.  My Aunt told me and Errika that we should be at the church at 10:30 so we figured the wedding began at 11:00.  Well, as we pulled in, we were joking about how it would be funny if we walked in right behind the Bride walking down the aisle . . . well, that's exactly what happened, except a little more graceful than how I just made that sound.  But, we'll forget about that and act like that never happened . . . haha!
For the reception, we were seated with my Aunt Tiffany and her family and my Grandparents.  It was really a "magical" moment, being able to see and talk to my Grandma and Grandpa frog (I call them that) who I haven't see in sooo long.  I was basking in the comfort that I was feeling from actually being there, in real life, face-to-face, with family members that I hunger to know more.  But, unexpectedly, things kind of took a turn. I asked Grandma When was the last time you talked to Dad? and she said that she hasn't really talked to him too recently but Grandpa has.  After about 3 minutes of complete silence passed, my Grandpa says "When was the last time you talked to your dad?"  and I had a thinking look on my face and said Oh, gosh, hmmm . . .  and he replies "Wow, that's sad you even have to think about it.  There's this problem of missed phone calls for Father's Day in this family and it makes me sick!"  Immediately, the blood drained from my face and I wanted to crawl under the table and bawl my eyes out.  Not from discomfort but because I felt bullied.  My Grandpa just made a comment to me about something he has no idea about.  Shortly after, Grandpa tells me "Before you leave, I want to talk to you."  If I were under the table, I would have dug a hole and crawled a million miles to avoid a conversation that he would know nothing about.  Errika asked me if I wanted to go to the bathroom with her and right when we got there, I just started crying.  I did not want to be bullied and feel that I had to defend myself from a situation that happened between my dad and me and my Grandpa is only hearing one side of the story. 
After I got back from the bathroom, Grandpa told me to sit by him and told me "There are always two sides to every story and I want to hear yours.  Why don't you talk to your dad?"  So I just gave a thirty second explanation while stumbling through my words, tears, and swelled throat.  He seemed to understand and even put his arm around me and said, "It hurts.  I know."  The conversation wasn't too long because people began leaving the reception and lots of commotion.  My Aunt Tiffany, Uncle Matt, and Grandparents invited me and Errika over to Tiffany's house to go swimming . . . so, we accepted.  After all, I never see this family.  
We enjoyed the time swimming, taking pictures, eating food off the grill, and just enjoying being family.  While eating dinner, I proposed to Grandma that a family reunion is in dire, dire need.  We tentatively have a reunion planned for Easter weekend 2011 at Grandma's house in Florida.  I got all of the Aunt's and Uncle's phone numbers and addresses so that I can send a letter reminding them what is going on.  We have almost a year to plan, so there should be no reason for everyone to not be there.  I don't know why this idea wasn't thought of sooner?  Am I the only one interested to see others in the family?
Now, for the past 4 hours, there has been a big "after party" for the wedding here at my Aunt's house and we've finally been able to slip away and relax without all of the people around.  I've got a killer headache and am just so tired from all of the events that happened today.  But, in an inexplainable kind of way, I really liked it.  :-]

Posted byAshley C. at 9:03 PM 0 Love Notes  

Labels: family

Feels good . . .
Friday, July 9, 2010

 . . . to be back in Michigan but this time with my best friend!  We made it here by only using 3/4 tank of gas . . . had to stop to use the bathroom a couple . . . well, kind of a lot of times and I wish I could blame it on the pregnant girl, but I definitely can't.  :-]  After we got in, we grabbed some lunch at Halo Burger (my favorite place in town) and then I showed Errika around my old stomping grounds.  I thought I would stop by my Aunt's house and give it another shot (after a failed attempt last trip); she was home and actually opened her door (imagine that!).  Errika and I stayed and hung out with her for about an hour and a half.  It was really nice to be able to catch up with her and see how she was doing.  I think that the older you get, you begin to treasure those kinds of relationships.  :-]  She's a nice person and I'm glad that I can call her my "Aunt."   After visiting with her for a while, we had to hurry home and get ready for my cousin's wedding rehearsal dinner.  There, Errika was able to meet my cousins Jeni and Andrew (who's getting married tomorrow) and Jeni's twin friends (who remind me a lot of Errika and her twin!).  We enjoyed the food and conversation.  The dinner kind of went by a little fast, which was kind of good because Errika and I are a bit tired from waking at 4:30 to head out. 

Posted byAshley C. at 9:24 PM Post a comment (1) Love Notes  

Labels: family, friends, vacation

Family time!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Well, after 5 years, I think I'm in . . . kinda, sorta, semi.  Maybe.  Josh's mom snapped at him when he went to the family reunion without me.  It was pretty awesome.  I was at work when Josh told me that after I get off, me and Errika need to hurry up and get there because the family wants to meet me; that caught me off guard because I was not expecting to go at all.  Josh has a rather large family (7 aunts and uncles, I think?) and I've never met any of them since they are all so scattered but it felt good meeting all of the people that he always talks about.  It was really cool to meet them and it was cool to have my best friend there with me to "break me in" since it was only going to be me and Josh the following day.  It was nice to have a day with Errika, but it felt more . . . I don't know . . . intimate with just Josh and me. 
Josh's family is a Christian family and I think that is a really beautiful thing.  From what I know of, there is not a single person in my family that is a Christian, so to see a family having the most important thing in common is awesome.  Josh and I were talking about how valuable it is to be sure that you instill your Christian values and morals into your kids strongly so that you aren't losing it from generation to generation.  You want the values to be just as strong as great, great grandma's and that doesn't "just happen."  I thought it was cool, too that Josh's family seems very family-oriented.  They said that twice a year, a family newsletter will come out and any big news and information will be in there.  Come on, what family has a newsletter?  On top of all that, there is a family reunion every 2 years.  I really hit the jackpot, eh?  :-]  Maybe at the next reunion . . . never mind. ;-]   

I really wish I had the time to edit some of the photos from the reunion, but honestly, I didn't have time.  Not long, some will be posted!  :-]

Next weekend will kind of be a tiny reunion for me and some of my dad's side of the family.  Me and Errika are taking a road trip to Michigan for my cousin's wedding.  Since Josh's union is currently on strike, there is a slight chance that he will be going with us!  Errika and I planned for just the two of us, but having Josh tag along will be cool, too since he has never met any of my family.  I can't wait to see what happens!  :-]  At this point, maybe I should be saying my sister, Errika, huh?   

Posted byAshley C. at 8:35 AM 0 Love Notes  

Labels: family, friends, summer, vacation

Michigan Trip!
Thursday, June 3, 2010

I'm back from Michigan!  I have to say that I had a great time, but like they say, "home, sweet home."  I had a great time meeting my Aunt and cousins again . . . it was kind of cool to be able to be with the same exact people, but at a whole different point in each of our lives.  No doubt about it, we are all different people than we were before (it's inevitable!).  I did not take any pictures because I forgot to charge my little camera and I did not want to pull out my honkin' camera unless I was completely comfortable and I wasn't haha!  I think it was more me being uncomfortable with the camera and my lack of skill, but whatever.  :-]  I spent lots of time talking with my Aunt, which I really enjoyed.
The worst part of the trip?  The trip home!  I woke up at 5:40 (4:40 Illinois time) since I had to be at the train station at 6:45.  I was supposed to arrive in Chicago at 11:59 which was perfect because the train from Chicago to my town left at 12:35; this was the perfect amount of time to walk the two blocks with my big ol' suitcase.  Well, I didn't arrive in Chicago until 12:30 and I knew immediately that I would not be able to get off the train, out of the station, walk 2 blocks and purchase my next ticket in 5 minutes.  It wouldn't have been so bad if the next train left sooner than 4:15!  Luckily, Josh was working near Chicago and got off at 2:00, so he just drove to Chicago and picked me up.  What does that mean?  I had to sit.  In the train station.  For 2 hours.  Hungry.  Tired.  Cranky as all get out.  When Josh finally got there, he told me that when he isn't driving (at a light, or in traffic), getting airflow through the engine, his car begins to overheat.  Well, of course, we got stuck is a lot of traffic on the way home.  So, I suggested turning the heat on since it will pull heat out of the motor.  What was I thinking?  This ended up making me even more irritated and uncomfortable.  We decided that he would take a shower at my house while I unpacked, we'd go grab dinner at Lone Star, and then come home and crash.  We fell asleep at about 8:00 and I didn't wake up again until 2:30 when it was time for him to go home.  I went back asleep until 8:30 and I feel so great and refreshed!  :-]

I will never take a train again!  I am going back to Michigan in about 4 weeks again for my cousin's wedding.  Thank goodness I've great an amazing best friend that will drive there with me and be my date.  :-]  It will be about a 5.5-6 hour drive and kudos to her for wanting to stick that out while being a little over 5 months pregnant.  I think it will be a blast and it's funny that she will meet my Couch family before Josh!  Hmm . . . maybe I'll be engaged in time to show off my new bling!  ;-]

Posted byAshley C. at 8:43 AM 0 Love Notes  

Labels: family, friends, travel

Michigan!
Monday, May 31, 2010

I made it to Michigan!  The time on the train was not as long and I thought it would feel.  I just tried to get in touch with my inner-photographer and go through about 200 pictures and end up with 10% of them to edit . . . that was the hard part.  :-]  Anyway, I went through pictures and watched a movie and listened to music and the next thing I knew, I was already here!
My Aunt ended up not being a masked-murderer that was out to ruin my life; imagine that.  She really was my Aunt!  :-]  Now, off to enjoy my day here with the family I never had.  I told myself that if I feel comfortable enough, I will break out the camera, which would result in you seeing pictures!  :-] 

Posted byAshley C. at 7:27 AM 0 Love Notes  

Labels: family, vacation

feeling a little spontaneous
Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I've been feeling a little spontaneous.  Yesterday my dad texted me talking disrespectfully again.  I knew he would once it came closer to Mother's Day and I didn't text or call my stepmom.  I was so right; I know that mean man a bit too well.  I knew I shouldn't have responded to that text and should have just ignored him and act like I never got it because if I did respond, it would only cause things to worsen . . . but I cannot keep my mouth closed some times.  I like getting the last word and I like people knowing what I feel.  My dad and I have not talked since Thanksgiving when he sent me a mean text and that particular conversation ended with him telling me that I don't deserve him coming to my graduation (which would be in two months from that point).  I offered to pay for his place ticket, but I guess his time was the hard thing in getting.  Whatever.  Anyway, last night he told me that 1) "kids now days are so disrespectful," 2) he didn't come to my graduation because the "ticket you promised never came," 3) "you only call when you want something," 4) "are you still a church goer," 5) "you will never grow up," 6) "you are going to be lonely . . . this conversation is proof," 7) "everyone I've talked to said you're in the wrong."  Alrighty then.  I guess I learned that he knows that he's wrong, he's a lonely man, he stood up my graduation, and that he has never been there for me. 
With all of that being said, I shared that conversation with my Aunt Andrea (my dad's brother's ex-girlfriend) online.  She had custody of my sister and me for 3 months when we were younger (about 3 and 1 years old) and I haven't seen her since.  She recently found me on Facebook and we've chatted on several different occasions, but I haven't seen her since her guardianship.  She has two kids herself, Jennifer and Andrew; we were all really close when we were younger.  Andrew is getting married this July so I planned on going to Michigan for the wedding but after me and my dad's conversation last night, I feel like me sharing that with Andrea brought our lost relationship to a whole new level. Sooo, I proposed me coming and visiting with her a whole lot sooner . . . like, this month sooner.  She couldn't be more excited to reunite with "her niece that [she] never wanted to give back."  I am thinking of going up there at the end of this month and coming back the first couple days of June.  It will be cool because I'll be there for the bridal shower and my cousin Jenni will also be in town from Florida so I will be meeting this part of the family for the first time in 18 years!  Weird.  But, I feel like this is something that I need.  I need a part of that family that I can hold on to and introduce to my future family.  I want that family there that I know loves and cares.  The only thing that I need to do is by my ticket and I'm there.  On my own.  Meeting family again.  I'm feeling like this is yet another big step for me.  :-]

Posted byAshley C. at 5:37 PM 0 Love Notes  

Labels: dad, family, random, travel

I just want a family!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010

You've heard me talk about my desire to become a mom.  Soon.  But, only one problem: I am not married, nor am I really ready for that kind of sacrifice.  I have thought about things I want to do (babywearing, breast feeding, ECing, homeschooling, etc.), ways that I want to raise my kids, and the way I want to instill certain values and morals in their lives.  I also must admit that I am slightly envious of those around me that are pregnant or having their babies.  We've been hanging out with our friend, Errika A LOT and just hearing her talk about her pregnancy pains, discomforts, and planning for "Baby A" is getting me so happy and excited for her, but wishing I was in her position. I just want to be able to get my life started and start working towards something that I feel I was meant for.  Josh and I are so ready to be married, but we're just waiting on some things like employment, paying off debt, and other things (as I've mentioned before).  We've also drawn some lines and told each other when it will most likely be appropriate to start a family.  Hopefully, things move along quicker because I just want a family! :-]
Now, with all of that being said, I have some major fears that literally cause nightmares at least once a week.  I have dreams about stretch marks, saggy boobs, and massive weight gain.  I know, those things are kind of inevitable, but I'm not ready for that.  I'm dealing with some insecurities now; yes, I know, I will never be perfect and insecurities are never-ending.  My point is that if I'm not completely secure now, how can I learn to love myself after taking on those things that I fear the most?

Posted byAshley C. at 8:22 AM Post a comment (1) Love Notes  

Labels: family, struggles

. . . the most dark, deep secrets . . .
Thursday, March 4, 2010

Yesterday, my class ended with a grand finale; we had to give a presentation on our family history (3 generation's worth).  As I've mentioned in previous blogs, I do not talk to my dad's side of the family (with an exception here and there), so I know nothing about them.  My (ex)-Aunt, Andrea gave me all of the information that I needed.  As for my mom's side, they are all either deceased, homeless, or drug addicts . . . so, I know nothing about them either.  Great, huh?

As I was watching people give their presentations, my heart started to feel heavy.  Because I am in Social Work, everyone in my class is a woman (and 2 guys) and there were some very common themes: no knowledge of one part of the family, childhoods absent of fathers, single moms raising their children, kids raising kids because of irresponsible parents and the list goes on.  One girl began crying because her family shunned her at age 16 (she's now 31) because she refused to be a part of any religion; she still has no contact with them.  The more presentations that I sat through, it felt like the ground was sinking in.  Everyone's history and experiences were so different.  People shared things that they didn't have to (and frankly, I wished they hadn't because I am waaay too empathic and feel for everyone).  My heart was so heavy and I felt like there was this "monster" on my back.  That's when I began to realize that families are probably the most dark, deep secrets that anyone could have.  Why?  It's really strange to think about.  Is it because people (including myself) want others to think they live in a normal household?  Is it because the family name needs to be placed on the highest pedastal, no matter what goes on?  Is it because people feel hopeless?  Who knows.  I will be the first to admit that my family is nowhere near perfect and things have happened that I would only share with those closest to me.  A family seems to be like a box; no outsiders allowed in "our lines." 

I am always talking about how perfect of a family I am going to have.  Having the best intention in raising them under a godly roof.  Having family dinners, meetings, outings.  I want my kids to find rest in their family and know they we are all there for each other.  But reality is that that is not always the case.  There are always exceptions to the (desired) rules and families are not always prepared to face those.  I pray to God that my family will be strong enough to endure anything that comes our way.  I pray to God that my kids will have a much more positive family environment than I did; matter of fact, the family environment that includes and is centered around God.  After listening to 14 family histories, I have come to learn that the only thing I do have control over is my prayer for my family. 

Posted byAshley C. at 5:33 PM 0 Love Notes  

Labels: family

How does she know all of this?!
Friday, February 19, 2010

Yesterday I was about to tell you about how I was going to embark on this biiig adventure.  For a class of mine, I have to do this very detailed family tree/history project.  Honestly, I was going to "BS" the whole thing because I know nothing about my family (as I told you in a different blog).  But, I figured that one day, my kids will want to know where they came from (in a biological sense . . . not physical haha!), so I should just tackle this project and try my hardest.  For both my interest and possibly for my kid's. 

So, I sent a message to each of my family members on Facebook that could give me any kind of information about themselves or our shared family members.  Then, this biiig adventure came to a screeching halt.  My uncle's ex-wife (who knows me and my sister very well.  'nother story, 'nother time) replied to my message lickety-split.  This wasn't just any message reply, this was a book.  A long storybook.  She gave me pretty much all of the information that I needed.  How does she know all of this?!  She gave me the dirt haha!  I never knew any of the information she gave me.  It's interesting that she knows all of this because she mentioned a while back that one thing she didn't like about our family was that nobody showed interest in any other person.  Nobody kept up with anyone else.  She also expressed her desire that her kids (my cousins) will one day establish that "old, traditional" family-style.  I like her.  :-] 

So, the project is due in 2 weeks and I am going to start on it tonight.  I was going to present it via PowerPoint, but because Sully is here now, I can be really different and creative and make a big posterboard.  So, when the project is finished, I think I will share a picture of it with you!  :-] 

Posted byAshley C. at 8:49 AM 0 Love Notes  

Labels: family, random, school

I'll miss ya, little buddy
Saturday, February 13, 2010

Posted byAshley C. at 11:25 PM 0 Love Notes  

Labels: family, struggles

A blessing not enjoyed
Monday, February 1, 2010

I don't know the names of all of my aunts and uncles.
I don't know my family's health records.
I don't know my cousins.
I don't know my ethnicity.
I do know that I know nothing about my family.

For the past couple of years, I've been wanting to put together a family tree.  Better yet, I've been thinking about coordinating a family reunion.  The one thing that I dislike about my family is that there is no appreciation for family; obviously neither of those plans would work because nobody but me cares (or so it seems).  I'm going to be honest, I am a little envious when I see family's that are close.  Families that are so tightly-knit that they know their cousins, second cousins, great-grandparents, etc.  The only things I know are the basics: mom, dad, sister, (mom's side) aunt and uncle, and grandparents.  I didn't meet my grandpa until I was about 9 years old and he died that weekend.  I didn't know my grandma until I was 15; she died the following year.  It really bothers me that nobody really sees the importance of forming strong relationships with others in the family.  Do they not see the reward in being able to be the one that someone else trusts with everything?  Do they not see the reward in being able to run to any family member and feel instant comfort?
One thing that God has blessed us with is the family network.  Unfortunately, I have never been able to enjoy this blessing.  Not to bash my dad, but I don't get calls for any holidays, birthdays, or recognition for graduating college.  I mean I have recognized the lack of relationships between distant family members, but there shouldn't be a lack of relationship between a father and his daughter(s).  Where does one learn the importance of establishing relationships?  From their parents?  Is it self-taught?  Not a single person on my dad's side could care less about what anyone else is doing.  The only thing that we have in common or share is our last name.  My grandma has never reached out and tried learning about me . . . is this where that side of the family has learned not to care?  From grandma and her habits?  No, I can't say that is the only reason.  Although the concept of family has not been instilled in individuals does not mean that you can't reach out and teach yourself the importance.  My family (mom, step-dad, sister) doesn't even have a strong relationship.  I can't completely blame them because I don't show interest in them either, but why?
I know that the family I create is going to be strong and have a relationship that will last generations.  Because my family is not what defines family, I have learned what really defines it.  My family will learn and know the importance of what it means to love and depend on each other for life.  Whether I am able to instill values in them or not, they will witness what family love really means. 

Did I mention I am supposed to put together a family tree (due in 3 weeks) that lists all of my family specifics on both sides?  Oh, boy.

Posted byAshley C. at 6:03 PM 0 Love Notes  

Labels: family

We're finally reunited . . .
Monday, November 23, 2009

What is better than reuniting with two family members (via good ol' Facebook) after more than 10 years?!  Nothing. 

Out of the blue, I got a friend request from my Aunt Tiffany.  I haven't spoken to, seen, or heard from or about her in so long, I thought it was someone that happened to have the same last name and share a first name with my long-lost Aunt.  Nope.  It was her. 
Then, today, my Grandma Frog* sent me a friend request!  Same as Aunt Tiffany, I haven't spoken to, seen, or heard from her in so long!  A couple of years ago, I saw my Grandpa Frog when I was visiting my dad in Florida, but Grandma was back in Michigan.  Let me just say, I've got a good-lookin' family!  ;-]

I'm feeling that maybe I should arrange some kind of family reunion . . .

*To all my cousins, I was the first to give our/your grandparents the title "Grandma and Grandpa Frog."  Don't think for a second you were first. ;-P

Posted byAshley C. at 6:16 PM 0 Love Notes  

Labels: family

I miss the way it used to be
Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I miss the way it used to be.  A few years ago, I made my sister a huge photo album for her birthday.  It contains pictures from when she was born up to when I gave it to her.  For some odd reason, she had it in the kitchen, so when I saw it, I flipped through a few pages.  I miss the way it used to be.

Lately, me and my sister have not been getting along.  I cannot blame her; I wear my feelings on my sleeve and I am a bit too bold and honest.  We argue a lot, we can never see eye-to-eye, I have a lot of resentment built up towards her for several different things (for those of you that don't know, her and I are literally polar opposites.  Many people do not even know we're sisters).  As I was flipping through the album, all I saw were pictures of us hugging each other's waists, laughing, sitting on each other's laps, smiling . . . always together doing things that happy sisters do.  I miss the way it used to be.

Now, me and my sister never make time for each other.  I honestly don't know her favorite color, her favorite things to do, her best friend, her pet peeves.  We have grown so far apart that you would not find a single recent picture of us together, let alone her and I hugging, smiling, or even laughing with each other.  We walk past each other in the house without acknowledging the other.  She doesn't feel that I am trustworthy enough to come to me and share her feelings.  I miss the way it used to be.

I've always wanted that perfect cookie-cutter family.  The one where the whole family goes to church together, the sisters are actually best friends, always keep in touch, and grow old together.  The one where no one becomes too busy for the rest, no one argues or fights.  The one where each and every part is completely trusting and there at the drop of a hat to support one that needed it.  The one where each person realizes that, if all else fails, so be it, they only needed each other anyway.

My family is not even close to that.  Everyone runs around doing their own things.  The last time we all sat down for dinner together was probably around 7 years ago.  We all have problems, secrets, and issues that we would never trust with the others.  It becomes a big problem when we have to go somewhere together.  The simple fact is that we are all growing (or not) and becoming our own person, leaving every other behind.  We have all become independent in our own ways, no longer needing, caring, or thinking about the others.  I miss the way it used to be.

I promise myself and my future kids that we will never miss "the way it used to be."

Posted byAshley C. at 4:16 PM Post a comment (1) Love Notes  

Labels: family, struggles

We have names!
Monday, September 28, 2009

"Ti-ti" and Uncle "Dosh" finally have names!  I thought I would just give it a whirl and see if Andrew would copy me and say our names and he did.  The amazing thing about this is that he doesn't only know our names, but he knows us.  My sister handed Andrew a picture of us four (Me, Josh, Ann-Marie, and Andrew), and he pointed to everyone of us saying our names.  I know, he is 19 months, so he should be able to do this stuff at this point, but now that he is actually doing it, it's impressive.  I can remember his actual birth day like it was yesterday, now to look at who he has become warms my heart.  It's amazing to see the way God has given this child habits, a personality, and an attitude . . . he's uniquely Andrew and I love it.  It's really cool to see the changes that occur and how easy it is to teach him new things.

Posted byAshley C. at 6:24 PM 0 Love Notes  

Labels: Andrew, family, Josh, love