feeling a little spontaneous
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I've been feeling a little spontaneous. Yesterday my dad texted me talking disrespectfully again. I knew he would once it came closer to Mother's Day and I didn't text or call my stepmom. I was so right; I know that mean man a bit too well. I knew I shouldn't have responded to that text and should have just ignored him and act like I never got it because if I did respond, it would only cause things to worsen . . . but I cannot keep my mouth closed some times. I like getting the last word and I like people knowing what I feel. My dad and I have not talked since Thanksgiving when he sent me a mean text and that particular conversation ended with him telling me that I don't deserve him coming to my graduation (which would be in two months from that point). I offered to pay for his place ticket, but I guess his time was the hard thing in getting. Whatever. Anyway, last night he told me that 1) "kids now days are so disrespectful," 2) he didn't come to my graduation because the "ticket you promised never came," 3) "you only call when you want something," 4) "are you still a church goer," 5) "you will never grow up," 6) "you are going to be lonely . . . this conversation is proof," 7) "everyone I've talked to said you're in the wrong." Alrighty then. I guess I learned that he knows that he's wrong, he's a lonely man, he stood up my graduation, and that he has never been there for me.
With all of that being said, I shared that conversation with my Aunt Andrea (my dad's brother's ex-girlfriend) online. She had custody of my sister and me for 3 months when we were younger (about 3 and 1 years old) and I haven't seen her since. She recently found me on Facebook and we've chatted on several different occasions, but I haven't seen her since her guardianship. She has two kids herself, Jennifer and Andrew; we were all really close when we were younger. Andrew is getting married this July so I planned on going to Michigan for the wedding but after me and my dad's conversation last night, I feel like me sharing that with Andrea brought our lost relationship to a whole new level. Sooo, I proposed me coming and visiting with her a whole lot sooner . . . like, this month sooner. She couldn't be more excited to reunite with "her niece that [she] never wanted to give back." I am thinking of going up there at the end of this month and coming back the first couple days of June. It will be cool because I'll be there for the bridal shower and my cousin Jenni will also be in town from Florida so I will be meeting this part of the family for the first time in 18 years! Weird. But, I feel like this is something that I need. I need a part of that family that I can hold on to and introduce to my future family. I want that family there that I know loves and cares. The only thing that I need to do is by my ticket and I'm there. On my own. Meeting family again. I'm feeling like this is yet another big step for me. :-]
Posted byAshley C. at 5:37 PM 0 Love Notes
Labels: dad, family, random, travel
Officially the last draw
Thursday, March 11, 2010
My dad and I have never been close. We have never had one of those special father-daughter relationships. Lately, it seems like people have been asking about how me and my dad are doing or if we have talked. Maybe I just feel like people have been asking because I don't feel like doing any talking about it . . . or perhaps any explaining. Oddly, at the same time, I have become frustrated by holding all of my feelings in. I'm tired of "hiding" what I really feel and not be able to describe it.
So, how are me and my dad? Not good, and we never have been. He has never done anything to show that he is my dad. He has never called me on any special occasions, holidays, birthdays, etc. He has never mailed me a birthday card, holiday card, or any other sentiment. He doesn't call me and when I finally give in and call him, he has this imaginary wall up and confronts me for not calling him. The audacity! After I graduated, I sent him an announcement (after he skillfully backed out of coming) along with a picture and to this day, 3 months later, I have still not gotten a simple, "Congratulations, Ash!" That was officially the last draw for me. But, like my mom says, after 22 years, I should have learned to expect nothing from him. I think that I've finally let my mom's advice sink in. A couple weeks ago, I lost all of my phone numbers on my BlackBerry . . . including dad's. I think that is kind of a blessing in disguise. I am not able to contact him even if I wanted. Now, I have a legitimate reason for not calling him and he does not.
Now that I am getting older and more independent, I have begun to show less interest in the relationship that could have been. He has not been there for me for 22 years and he still couldn't care less about it. Maybe it's my turn to act careless. I am done calling him and chasing after something that will never be. I am convinced that this is his loss, not mine. Whew. Now I feel better that that's off of my chest. :-]
Posted byAshley C. at 5:25 PM 0 Love Notes
Today's Coffee
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
There's something I find very soothing, something very heart-lightening about car rides with Josh. It seems that lately we've been using a lot of gas.
When we want to vent our feelings to each other, car ride. When we are hyper beyond anyone else's comprehension, car ride. When we are bored, car ride. When we need to pour out our hearts to each other, car ride. When anger or tears are ready to leak, car ride. Long ride, short ride, it doesn't matter to me. It's the only time that it's just us. We can talk about whatever we want, sing however loud we want (to whatever song we want), laugh however loud we want, and sometimes yell however loud we want. I really appreciate that time more than any other time. There's just something that I find so comforting about being in the car with him.
If you've been following me, you know that I've been talking about my dad a little bit lately. It's a really long story, but recently he told me that I only contact him when I want something. I really couldn't grasp this because I have never asked him for a single thing. He's never given me a single thing. He went on to tell me that I don't have an idea what's going on in his life (and makes a list of things that aren't going right) and then tells me it's not my business. He seems to only care about his wife and the kids (2/5) that live with him. The issues that he has to deal with. It's been so easy for him to just ignore me because I'm not one of the things he has to deal with. In short, I told him that there's more to life than what exists between his four walls and I no longer want to be a part of it. I had this conversation with him while I was at work, the whole time, able to hold my composure. After work, I asked Josh if we could go for a ride. That's when it hit me. It hurts. I have tried to harden my heart from my dad and keep my distance as much as possible to prevent myself from being hurt. I should be a professional at this by now. I'm too weak to do that. I forgive and forget too easily. I have to remind myself that he won't change. He told me that he isn't going to fly here for my graduation anymore. Whatever. His loss. I've had my mind set on walking myself down the aisle when I get married since I was, like, 5. Not what the average girl dreams of.
Yesterday was so beautiful! I had work, took a nap, then spent 3 hours on my back porch with my nose stuck in my book. I finally finished Twilight and have started New Moon. I won't talk about how mad I am because I don't want to ruin the book for anyone. I am going to endure this book and go on a hunt for Eclipse. One thing is for sure. I'm addicted. I am a Twilight-aholic.
As you know, I have started my medication. I love this stuff! It has been working well. So far, no gold on my face . . . only face, no ugly red spots! This only downside to it is that the topical gel that I have been using burns the heck out of my face! I feel like I have a bad sunburn. That must means that it's working, right? It's a 3-month medication, but something tells me that I won't have to use it for that long. At least, I hope not.
I need to make more time to blog. Whoever invented "blogging" is probably more important than Edison.
Posted byAshley C. at 3:23 AM Post a comment (1) Love Notes
I'm So Over You
Thursday, May 28, 2009
I feel like I haven't blogged in so long! I have so much to write about on here now . . .
So, today I was super excited because I finally got to go see a dermatologist. Yeah, I would normally keep this to myself because it's a girl-kinda thing we don't usually talk about . . . kind of like push-up bras or Spanx . . . we just like to make it look effortless. Whatever. My face is not really that bad, but I am a grown woman and I shouldn't be breaking out like I am a boy going through puberty. The doctor prescribed me two medications: one topical gel and some pills. On my way out, he gave me two coupons, one of which was for $35 off the prescription. I was thinking to myself "Coupons of high value mean that the item is really expensive. Crap." So, I went to the pharmacy, dropped them off, and they told me that for both of the prescriptions, it will be $200! Thank goodness I have insurance, otherwise they would have costed $900! That is just insance. So in essence, I looked like a poor person walking around with acne on my face. Huh.
Any way, later I called to get the price (after the coupons were run through the system) and fortunately, they will both only cost $58. What a weight off my shoulders. I mean, I want a clear face, but for that price, that medication better replace acne with gold flakes.
So, starting tomorrow, I am working towards a new me. I will be watching what I eat, working out two times a day, and working on this beautiful face. Watch out, now!
On a more serious note, I am going to let you in on a story about my dad. So, lately, he has been ignoring my texts, so on Sunday, I sent him a text that simply said, "Long time, no talk." He replied back with a smart comment and it just escalated from there. It ended with his wife being his mouth piece. I ignored them and didn't reply. Well, this morning, my dad sent me a text that said, "What's your problem now? All it takes is a simple text saying, 'Hi.'" He only said this because he was trying to mock me and say what I already said in hopes to making me upset. It worked. I just replied back by saying, "Hi, dad." So, to make a long story short, after a few texts, he was upset that I didn't text my step-brother who was visiting him. I told him that I was busy but tell him "hi" for me. He said "Whatever." This really sent me over the edge. I sent him a message that basically told him that I was fed up with his smart comments and him popping in and out of my life with no consideration to how it affects me. He ignores me when I attempt to have a consistent relationship with him and it's been that way for 18 years. I told him that I was done and when he's ready to be a father, let me know, otherwise, I am done with him because I am tired of sacrificing and giving my all to someone that doesn't acknowledge that. He replied back by saying, "What started all of this?" Umm, hello. It doesn't just start, it has been an on-going process and I'm through. His absence has affected me enough and I am too strong to let him keep tearing me down. That was the end of the conversation. No reply from him.
Remember when I was talking about my two bad hard drives? I finally got a new one in the mail, thanks to Josh. He finally installed it and my laptop is officially running smoothly. By some miracle, I didn't lose any of my music! Josh transferred all of my files onto his computer so that I didn't lose them, but I never thought my thousands of songs transferred, too! So, my computer is like (not-so) new! No more frustration towards my pretty pink laptop.
When everyone was crazy about Twilight, they kept insisting that I read it. "You can't put it down once you start." So, I didn't want to start, because I didn't have the extra time to put into 4 foot-thick books when I have a stack of homework pending.
I just started Twilight today! I love it! I saw the movie, and people were right, they are soo different! I like that I can picture Bella and Edward. When I'm reading, I have a movie reel in the back of my head . . . it's awesome! So, I am so excited to finish the book and start on the next. Actually, I want to end this blog so I can go read!
That's just what I'll do. Bring this to a close. I will definitely keep blogging about my new gold-plated face and how the pounds are building. I mean shedding.
Random Fact: The average human accidentally eats 8 spiders in their lifetime.
Posted byAshley C. at 9:57 PM Post a comment (1) Love Notes
Labels: dad, random, struggles
